Opening A Checking Account

A guy walks into a bank and says to the teller at the window, “I want to open a f*ckin’ checking account”.

To which the lady replied, “I beg your pardon, what did you say?”

“Listen up dammit, I said I want to open a f*ckin’ checking account right now.”

“Sir, I’m sorry but we do not tolerate that kind of language in this bank!”

The teller left the window and went over to the bank manager and told him about her situation. They both returned and the manager asked, “What seems to be the problem here?”

“There’s no damn problem,” the man said, “I just won 50 million in the lottery and I want to open a f*ckin’ checking account in this damn bank!”

“I see sir,” the manager said, “and this b*tch is giving you a hard time?”

Six Legged Turkey

An industrious turkey farmer was always experimenting with breeding to perfect a better turkey. His family was fond of the leg portion for dinner and there were never enough legs for everyone. After many frustrating attempts, the farmer was relating the results of his efforts to his friends at the general store get together. 'Well I finally did it! I bred a turkey that has 6 legs!' They all asked the farmer how it tasted.

'I don't know, 'said the farmer, 'I never could catch it!'

Where's the Thanksgiving Turkey?

Positively Wrong

A linguistics professor was lecturing his class.

"In English," he explained, "a double negative forms a positive. In some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative."

"However," the professor continued, "there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative."

A voice from the back of the room piped up. "Yeah, right."

Two blondes are walking down a road...

Two blondes are walking down a road, one has a large sports bag.

1st blonde: "What have you got in that bag?"

2nd blonde: "Chickens."

1st blonde: "If I can guess how many chickens you've got in that bag, can I have one of them?"

2nd blonde: "If you can guess how many chickens I've got in this bag, you can have BOTH of them!!"

1st blonde: Well, I think you've got three."

Not Today

Johnny always makes all kinds of excuses to avoid school. One day, his grandma who lives in another state came to his school and said to his teacher:" I want to see how Johnny is in class, he must be so adorable." The teacher was smiling:" I am sorry, not today. He asked for a leave to attend your funeral."

Snowman Funeral

It is a heartbroken moment...

Cowboy

An old cowboy sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee. As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him.

She turned to the cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves,bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy."

She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think about women when I eat. It seems that everything makes me think of women."

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out that I'm a lesbian."

Church Gossiper

Mildred, the church gossiper, and self-appointed monitor of the church's
morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business. Several members did not approve of her extra curricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.

She made a mistake, however, when she accused Frank, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon. She emphatically told Frank (and several others) that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing.

Frank, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned
and walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny ... he said nothing.

Later that evening, Frank quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house ... walked home ... and left it there all night!!!

You gotta love Frank.

Bad Santa

Looking forward to a nice Christmas present?