Top Ten Reasons Why I Homer Simpson Should Be The Next President

10. I'M SMARTER THAN THE LAST GUY
9. WITH AN OVAL OFFICE, I CAN'T BUMP INTO ANYTHING
8. FOX NEWS IS ALREADY ON MY SIDE
7. I WILL TAKE FULL ADVANTAGE OF THE FREE FOOD THAT COMES WITH THE JOB
6. I Have ENORMOUS EXPERIENCE APOLOGIZING FOR FAILED DECISIONS
5. I WILL APPOINT A SECRETARY OF DONUTS
4. I WILL BE THE SECRETARY OF DONUTS
3. MY MIDDLE NAME ISN'T HUSSEIN...ANYMORE
2. MY VICE PRESIDENT WILL BE MAYOR MCCHEESE
1. KICK-ASS INAUGURATION PARTY! BRING A SIX PACK AND YOU'RE IN

More Important Than The President

While the pope was visiting the USA, he told the driver of his limo that he has the sudden urge to drive. The driver was a good Catholic man, and would not ever dream of questioning the pope's authority. So the pope sat at the wheel, while his driver got in the back.

They were traveling down the road doing between 70 and 80 mph, when a policeman happened to see them. As he pulled them over, he called in to headquarters reporting a speeding limo, with a VIP inside it. The chief asked: "Who is in the limo, the mayor?" The policeman told him: "No, someone more important than the mayor." Then the chief asked "Is it the governor?" The policeman answered: "No, someone more important than the governor." The chief finally asked: "Is it the President?" The policeman answered: "No, someone even more important than the President." This made the chief very angry and he bellowed: "Now who is more important than the President?!" The policeman calmly wispered: "I'll put it to you this way chief. I don't know who is this guy, but he has the pope as his chauffeur."

Sex Obsession Problem

A man goes to a Psychologist and says, "Doc I got a real problem, I can't stop thinking about sex."
The Psychologist says, "Well let's see what we can find out", and pulls out his ink blots. "What is this a picture of?" he asks.
The man turns the picture upside down then turns it around and states, "That's a man and a woman on a bed making love."

The Psychologist says, "very interesting," and shows the next picture. "And what is this a picture of?"
The man looks and turns it in different directions and says, "That's a man and a woman on a bed making love."

The Psychologists tries again with the third ink blot, and asks the same question, "What is this a picture of?"
The patient again turns it in all directions and replies, "That's a man and a woman on a bed making love."

The Psychologist states, "Well, yes, you do seem to be obsessed with sex."
"Me!?" demands the patient. "You're the one who keeps showing me the dirty pictures!"

Different techniques

The Los Angeles Police Department (LAPD), The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.

The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"

Good news and bad news

An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings on display at that time.

"I have good news and bad news, "the owner replied. "The good news is that a gentleman inquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings.

"That's wonderful!" the artist exclaimed. "What's the bad news?"

"The man was your doctor."


Three Questions

A new client had just come in to see a famous lawyer.
"Can you tell me how much you charge?", said the client.
"Of course", the lawyer replied, "I charge $200 to answer three questions!"
"Well that's a bit steep, isn't it?"
"Yes it is", said the lawyer, "And what's your third question?"

In Hot Pursuit

Two girlfriends were speeding down the highway at well over a 100 miles per hour.
"Hey," asked the brunette at the wheel, "see any cops following us?"
The blonde turned around for a long look. "As a matter of fact, I do."
"Oh, NOOOO!" yelled the brunette. "Are his flashers on?"
The blonde turned around again. "Yup...nope...yup...nope...yup..."

Competition

A shopkeeper was dismayed when a brand new business much like his own opened up next door and erected a huge sign which read 'BEST DEALS.' He was horrified when another competitor opened up on his right, and announced its arrival with an even larger sign, reading 'LOWEST PRICES.' The shopkeeper panicked, until he got an idea. He put the biggest sign of all over his own shop. It read 'MAIN ENTRANCE'.

Three Turtles

Three turtles, Joe, Steve, and Poncho, decide to go on a picnic. So, Joe packs the picnic basket with cookies, bottled sodas, and sandwiches. The trouble is, the picnic site is, 10 miles away, so the turtles take 10 whole days to get there. By the time they do arrive, everyone's whipped .Joe takes the stuff out of the basket, one by one. He takes out the sodas and says,'Alright, Steve, gimme the bottle opener. "I didn't bring the bottle opener,' Steve says. 'I thought you packed it.' Joe gets worried. He turns to Poncho. 'Poncho, do you have the bottle opener?' Naturally, Poncho doesn't have it, so the turtles are stuck ten miles away from home without soda. Joe & Steve beg Poncho to turn back home and retrieve it, but Poncho flatly refuses, knowing that they'll eat everything by the time he gets back. Somehow, after about two hours, the turtles manage to convince Poncho to go ,swearing on their great-grand turtles' graves that they won't touch the food. So, Poncho sets off down the road, slow and steadily. Twenty days pass, but no Poncho. Joe and Steve are hungry and puzzled, but a promise is a promise. Another day passes, and still no Poncho, but a promise is a promise. After three more days pass without Poncho in sight, Steve starts getting restless. 'I NEED FOOD!' he says with a hint of dementia in his voice. 'NO!' Joe retorts. 'We promised.' Five more days pass. Joe realizes that Poncho probably skipped out to the Burger King down the road, so the two turtles weakly lift the lid ,get a sandwich, and open their mouths to eat. But then, right at that instant, Poncho pops out behind a rock, and says, "Just for that, I'm not going."


Blonde Witness

A blonde was summoned to court to appear as a witness in a lawsuit. The prosecutor opened his questioning with, "Where were you the night of August 24th?" "Objection!" said the defense attorney. "Irrelevant!" "Oh, that's okay," said the blonde from the witness stand. "I don't mind answering the question." "I object!" the defense said again. "No, really," said the blonde. "I'll answer." The judge ruled: "If the witness insists on answering, there is no reason for the defense to object." So the prosecutor repeated the question: "Where were you the night of August 24th?" The blonde replied brightly, "I don't know."

Blair's Clock

A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked:

"What are all those clocks?"

St. Peter answered:

"Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock will move."

"Oh," said the man, "whose clock is that?"

"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie."

"Incredible," said the man. "And whose clock is that one?"

St. Peter responded:

"That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life."

"Where's Tony Blair's clock?" asked the man.

"Blair's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."

When God Created Canada

On the sixth day God turned to the angel Gabriel and said "Today I am going to create a land called Canada.

It will be a land of outstanding natural beauty - it shall have tall majestic mountains full of mountain goats and eagles, and beautiful sparkly lakes bountiful with carp and trout. There shall be forests full of elk and moose, high cliffs overlooking sandy beaches with an abundance of sea life, and rivers stocked with salmon."

God continued, "I shall make the land rich in oil so to make the inhabitants prosper, I shall call these inhabitants Canadians, they shall be known as the most friendly people on the earth."

"But Lord," asked Gabriel, "don't you think you are being too generous to these Canadians?"

"No, not really." God replied... "Just wait and see the neighbours I am going to give them!"

A Ferrari for forgetting?

A wealthy businessman forgets his wife's anniversary and boy, she is mad!

"You'd better make up for that this time!" she says, and seeing her chance to gain from it she adds "In fact, tomorrow morning, there better be something sitting out on that driveway that goes from nought to 200 like a rocket! AND it better not be second hand!"

He's now in hospital in a critical condition

Next morning she went out, there was a small package on the driveway - when she opened it she found herself holding a set of brand new bathroom scales!

Three of the best

Q: What’s the difference is between a Jewish mother and an
Italian one?
A: An Italian mother says “Eat your dinner or I’ll kill you.”
A Jewish mother says “Eat your dinner or I’ll kill myself.”

From the Mother's Dictionary:
Bottle-feeding: An opportunity for Daddy to get up at 2 am.
Family planning: The art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster
Full name: What you call your child when you're mad at him.
Grandparents: The people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right.
Independent: How we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.
Show off: A child who is more talented than yours.
Puddle: A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.

And finally:

Don't tell mother:

After years of hard work, Joe took his first vacation on a luxury cruise ship. In a deck chair, he recognized a former high school classmate, a long-lost friend from his old hometown.

He crossed the deck, seized the fellow's hand and said: "Hello, Pete. I haven't seen you in years. What are you doing these days?"

"I'm practicing law," whispered Pete. "But don't tell mother. She thinks I'm still a pimp."

Funny Answering Machine Messages 01

  1. My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll leave your name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished.

GEORGE BUSH GOES TO HELL

One day in the future, George Bush has a heart attack and dies. He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him.
"I don't know what to do," says the devil. "You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got some folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place.
I'll even let YOU decide who leaves." Bush thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the first room.

In it was Ronald Reagan and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty handed. Over and over and over. Such was his fate in hell. "No, George said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and I don't think I could do that all day long."

The devil led him to the next room. In it was Richard Nixon with a sledge hammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time. "No, I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day," commented George.

The devil opened a third door. In it, Bush saw Bill Clinton, lying on the floor with his arms staked over his head, and his legs staked in a spread eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best. Bush took this in disbelief and finally said, "Yea, I can handle this." The devil smiled and said "OK, Monica, you're free to go."

Thank you, I'm here all day!!

BUSH A POST TURTLE

A country doctor is suturing a laceration on the hand of an old farmer.

Old man: "All you need to know about politics is that young George Bush is a post turtle."

Doctor: "Oh? What is a post turtle?"

Old man: "When yer driving down a country road, and ya come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top? That's a post turtle. Ya know he didn't get there by himself, he don't belong there, he cain't get anything done while he's up there, and you just want to help take the poor thang down."

How they manage the news

A guy walks in and asks the bartender, "Isn't that Bush and Powell sitting over there?" The bartender says, "Yep, that's them." So the guy walks over and says, "Wow, this is a real honor. What are you guys doing in here?"

Bush says, "We're planning WWIII. And the guy says, "Really? What's going to happen?"

Bush says, "Well, we're going to kill 140 million Iraqis this time and one bicycle repairman."

The guy exclaimed, "A bicycle repairman!!! Why kill a bicycle repairman?"

Bush turns to Powell, punches him on the shoulder and says, "See, dummy! I told you no one would worry about the 140 million Iraqis!"

Extracts from a cat's diary

I got this through email some time ago and liked it - because I am allergic to these creatures and have always mistrusted them!

The following seems to ring too true!


DAY 752 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.

DAY 761 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair...must try this on their bed.

DAY 762 - Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors with sleep depriving, incessant pleas for food at ungodly hours of the night.

DAY 765 - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was...Hmmm. Not working according to plan ......

DAY 768 - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called "shampoo." What sick minds could invent such a liquid. My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth.

DAY 771 - There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call "beer." More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.

DAY 774 - I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The Bird on the other hand has got to be an informant. He has mastered their frightful tongue (something akin to mole speak) and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured. But I can wait. It is only a matter of time...

The American Soldier

An American soldier, serving in World War II, had just returned from several weeks of intense action on the German front lines. He had finally been granted R&R and was on a train bound for London.

The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat. The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged lady and was being used by her little dog.

The war weary soldier asked, "Please, ma'am, may I sit in that seat?"

The English woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed and said, "You Americans. You are such a rude class of people. Can't you see my Little Fifi is using that seat?"

The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another'' trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog.

Again he asked, "Please, lady. May I sit there? I'm very tired."

The English woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, "You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant. Imagine!"

The soldier didn't say anything else; he leaned over, picked up the little dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat.

The woman shrieked and railed, and demanded that someone defend her and chastise the soldier.

An English gentleman sitting across the aisle spoke up,

"You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your 'automobiles' on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out th
e window."

Most powerful vacuum cleaner

A vacuum cleaner salesman turns up at a cottage and raps on the door. The lady of the house answers.

"Ma'am, I am here to demonstrate the wonders of what is probably the most powerful vacuum cleaner in the world." he announces, and taking advantage of her hesitancy he lets himself in with said machine.

"Now," he commands with infectious enthusiasm, "prepare to be amazed."

He takes out a sack of horse shit and throws it all over the new carpet she has had just had fitted, and then proceeds to take another sack of said organic waste and tips it onto her spanking new sofa.

"Upset? Fear not!" and he plugs the vacuum cleaner into the wall."Now, when I depress the switch, this cleaner will clean that lot up to your entire satisfaction - otherwise, I'll eat all that horse shit!"

He presses the switch. Silence, a very long silence.

"You want ketchup with that?" says the angry woman, "We just moved in and the electricity isn't connected yet!"

The Paper Shredder

The MD of this firm I worked in was not particularly bright, rarely came down from his eagle's nest and was a bit of a recluse.

He did grace us with his majesterial buffoon-ness one day.

Our office junior was standing next to the paper shredder when the MD came in, in a bit of a rush.

"Do you know how to work that thing?" he asked the junior

"Sure." says the junior.

The MD handed him a very thick report - well, this needs to go into it - it's highly confidential, so don't think of even looking at it."

This proved difficult but he managed to feed it into the machine. As it silently shredded the document deep within it's mechanical bowels our MD nodded with satisfaction. After a while he looks puzzled. We all tried hard not to laugh when he enquired of the junior,

"Okay, so where does the copy come out?"

Breathe In Breathe Out

There was a blonde that went to the hair salon with headphones. Before the barber started cutting her hair she told him "Make sure not to knock the headphones off my head". So the barber was sure not to. The next time, the blonde said the same thing "Do not knock the headphones off my head". The barber again, did what he was told. The third time she went, she told the barber again "Don't knock the headphones off my head", this time though, the barber accidentally knocked them off. As soon as the headphones fell off, the blonde dropped to the floor unconcious. The barber picked up the headphones and listened, and this is what it said "Breathe in, breathe out, breathe in, breathe out...."

ATM procedure

National Australia Bank have recently announced the arrival of the new 'Drive-Through' cash-point machine, users will be able to withdraw cash without having to leave their vehicle. To enable users to be utilise this new facility, the following procedures have been drawn up.

Management have recognised the necessity for variations in instructions as follows:

Male Procedure:
1. Drive up to cash machine
2. Wind down window
3. Insert card and enter PIN
4. Enter amount of cash to withdraw
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt
6. Wind up window
7. Drive off

Female Procedure:
1. Drive up to cash machine
2. Reverse back 1 metre to align window to machine
3. Stall engine
4. Wind down window
5. Enter handbag and remove make-up bag and locate card
6. Check make-up in rear view mirror
7. Attempt to insert card into machine
8. Open door to allow easier access to machine, due to distance from car
9. Insert card
10. Re-enter handbag to find cigarette packet with PIN number written on inside
12. Enter incorrect PIN, press cancel and re-enter PIN
13. Enter amount of cash to withdraw
14. Check make-up and hair in rear view mirror
15. Retrieve cash and receipt
16. Locate purse and place cash inside
17. Locate cheque book to file receipt
18. Check make-up again
19. Start Car
20. Drive forward for 2 metres
21. Reverse back to cash machine
22. Retrieve card
23. Locate card holder in purse and enter card into slot
24. Recheck make-up
25. Drive for 3 kilometres
26. Release hand-brake

Pharmacist

A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms. The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants. "Well", he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's THE night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out. Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give me the 12 pack". The young man makes his purchase and leaves. Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He asks if he might give the blessing, and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes. The girl leans over and says, "You never told me that you were such a religious person". He leans over to her and says, "You never told me that your father is a pharmacist".

Adopted Turtle

Deep within a forest a little turtle began to climb a tree. After hours of effort he reached the top, jumped into the air waving his front legs and crashed to the ground. After recovering, he slowly climbed the tree again, jumped, and fell to the ground. The turtle tried again and again while a couple of birds sitting on a branch watched his sad efforts. Finally, the female bird turned to her mate. "Dear," she chirped, "I think it's time to tell him he's adopted."

Bad Drivers

A man is driving on the highway when his wife calls him on his cell phone. "Honey, be careful. I heard on the news that there is a car on the road driving the wrong way." To this the man replies, "One? Theres millions of 'em!"