A man is in the barbers and whilst the barber attends to him a very pretty assistant asks if he'd like a manicure at the same time.
"Oh," he says, "I wouldn't normally bother, but, er, yes, please do!"
He finds her captivating so he says,
"Will you go on a date with me tonight?"
She blushes deep red and says she can't as she's married.
"Ah, tell the loser you're going out with a girl friend." he suggests.
"Tell him yourself," she said sweetly, "HE'S SHAVING YOU!"
A rather eccentric billionaire had a very weird hobby, he had loved alligators ever since he was boy, so now that he had the money, he built a huge pool and had it filled with the creatures.
His daughter grew up and she was very beautiful. The old eccentric threw a huge party for all the eligible bachelors of the area to come to.
"I grew up tough," he told them as he brought them all to assembly by the pool of alligators,"and I want my daughter to have a husband who will be like me, fearless, willing to strike out, ready for anything. Nothing less will do for my daughter, so, whatever one of you can get in that pool, and swim through those alligators to the other side, he will win not only her hand in marriage but will inherit my billion pound business."
Suddenly there is a splash and everyone rushed forward to see a chap swimming for all his might through the raging alligators.
He emerges from the pool to great cheers and, with his best tux torn to shreds, blood mingling with the pools of water at his feet he stands breathing hard and looking every inch the warrior the billionaire wants for his daughter.
"My son-in-law to be has been found!" the billionaire shouts and rushes round the pool towards him followed by everyone else.
"Put it there!" he says to the young man and grasps his hand, "you will have my daughter, you will have my businesses, you will have all of my wealth!"
"Listen, I don't want your daughter, I don't want your businesses, I don't want your wealth. ALL I WANT IS THE B****** WHO THREW ME IN!"
A man is talking to his friend in the pub and is quite amazed when the old skinflint of a friend described the Christmas present he'd bought for his wife.
"It's a lovely gold necklace, with little rubies and diamonds all over it. She'll be thrilled with it."
"Good grief! That's extravagant! Mind you, didn't you tell me she actually wanted a new 4x4?" the amazed friend replied.
"Yes she did, but where the hell could I find a fake Jeep?"
A guy is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can.
Three years later, there’s a knock on the door. He opens it and sees the same snail. The snail says ‘What the hell was that all about?"
The boy rode on the donkey and the old man walked.
As they went along, they passed some people who remarked "it was a
shame the old man was walking and the boy was riding".
The man and boy thought maybe the critics were right, so they
changed positions.
Later, they passed some people that remarked, "What a shame, he
makes that little boy walk."
They decide d they both would walk!
Soon they passed some more people who thought they were stupid to
walk when they had a decent donkey to ride.
So the both rode the donkey! Now they passed some people that shamed
them by saying "how awful to put such a load on a poor donkey".
The boy and man said they were probably right so they decided to
carry the donkey.
As they crossed a bridge, they lost their grip on the animal and he
fell into the river and drowned.
Management Learning:
If you try to please everyone, you will eventually lose your ass
A man has this wife who really has let herself go, and frankly, he's gone off the boil.
The woman is very upset that he never appraoches her for anything more than a cup of tea or to mend his sweaty socks so she calls up a friend for advice.
Her friend is a true friend indeed, and tells the woman that she has turned into something of a slattern.
"You don't dress up, or look after yourself like you used to," she explains, "and no wonder Charlie isn't interested any more."
"So what can I do?" wails the wife and her friend gives her some ideas.
Charlie comes in that afternoon and she is all dolled up to the nines, a whip lies on the sofa, and she is dressed in a skimpy negligee. In her hand are some handcuffs.
"Tie me up darling, and then do whatever you want!" she invites him.
So, he ties her up....
And goes fishing.
"So why did you fire your secretary, Janet?" one businessman asked of another.
"Well, it was like this. When I woke up that morning it was my fiftieth birthday. I expected to go downstairs and have a little present waiting on me from my wife and kids and my favourite breakfast waiting for me. Nothing. My wife didn't even say Happy Birthday.
"In a mood at this I just took off, grumbling to myself as I drove that wasn't that just typical of family. If i had forgot HER birthday!
"I get to the office and Janet says, "Happy Brithday, sir!" and I thought, well, at least SHE remembered.
"At noon Janet says 'You know, sir, it's a lovely day and with it being your birthday, what would you say if I asked you to lunch with me?'
"Well, I am fair taken with the idea. We go somewhere quiet so we are alone, and truth to tell, it was most pleasant being in the company of such a lovely girl. The meal is pleasant too, and Janet suggests a martini.
"So we have one or two martinis, then I suggest a brandy for me and a snowball for her. She seems a bit reluctant but does so. I think it was at this point I started behaving a little silly. I complained that I had the most selfish wife in the world and dear Janet said I was not to talk about my good lady in such a way. I said that's very honourable, but she must know I am telling the truth.
"She then says, 'Look, why don't you and I go to my place?' Well! I was so taken aback I didn't know what to say. This beautiful creature wanting to take me, this middle aged man curmudgeon to her place? I reckoned she felt sorry for me. Well, hang it, I was sorry for me too. I said of course!
"We got a taxi and went to her apartment. She led me gently into the lounge where she prepared some more drinks and she started to giggle. "I bet you thought today would never turn out to be a good one. But I promise you a birthday you'll never forget. Now, I need to go and, well, get something very special for you!" And she flounced off
"My excitement rose and rose. Ten minutes went by and she came back in the room with a giant birthday cake, my wife and all my children.
"And I was sitting there wearing nothing but my socks!"
A young man wished to purchase a present for his sweetheart and after
careful consideration, he decided to buy her a pair of gloves. Accompanied
by his sister, he went to a women's wear shop and bought a pair of expensive
gloves. Meanwhile, his sister bought a pair of panties. In the delivery, the
packages got mixed up; his sister got the gloves and he got the panties.
Without checking the contents of the package, he sent it to his sweetheart
with the following note:
Dearest One,
This little gift is to show you I have not forgotten your birthday. I
chose them because I noticed you were not in the habit of wearing any
when you went out in the evenings. If it hadn't been for my sister, who
was with me when I bought them, I would have picked out long ones with
buttons, but she said the latest style is to wear them unbuttoned, and
hanging down. I had her try them on for me and she looked very smart in
them. How I wish I could put them on for you the first time, but no doubt
many other hands will touch them before I have a chance. I did not know
what size to get, yet I should be capable of judging better than anyone
else. When you take them off, blow in them as they will be a little damp
from wearing them. Be sure to keep them on while cleaning them; otherwise
they will shrink.
With my fondest love,
P.S. Just think of the number of times I will kiss the back of them in the
coming year.
The Mother Superior is striding through the corridors of the convent when one of the nuns on passing her said, "I see you got out of the wrong side of the bed this morning, Mother Superior."
Puzzled at this she walks on, when another nun says, "Morning Mother Superior, I see you got out of the wrong side of the bed this morning."
Every nun she passes says this to her and eventually she snaps, "Sister! Will you please explain why you and everyone else think there's a problem with me. Everyone's telling me I got out of the wrong side of the bed this morning. Why?"
"Because Mother Superior, " said the nun, "You're wearing Father Murphy's boots!"
A guy is talking to his friend about credit cards.
"I had mine stolen two months ago." says one.
"Stolen? Oh God, how terrible!" says his concerned friend, "Have you told the police?"
"Nope."
"Why for heaven's sake?" says his friend agahast
"Well," the other guy says," my last two statements show me he's spending less than my wife did!"
It doesn't hurt to take a hard look at yourself from time to time, and this should help get you started.
During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.
Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bath tub, and then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."
Oh, I understand," said the visitor... "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.
No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"
There was a school where the headmaster had a particular problem. You see the little girls had all taken to wearing lipstick, which wasn't the problem really, but what they did with it.
They would go into the bathroom and pretty themselves up with it, then, giggling, press their lips onto the mirrors and leave hundreds of these imprints on the glass. Every morning the janitor had to scrub it all off and it was becoming a real time waster.
The headmaster thinks on it then calls the little girls to assemble in the bathroom one morning. He explains how difficult it can be to clean these mirrors every day and asks the janitor to illustrate how.
On prior instructions, the janitor dips his mop into one of the toilet bowls and swipes along the mirror with it.
Amazingly the problem with lipstick and mirrors never materialised again!
In case you aren't familiar with the way in which floppy disks work, they don't work, ever again, if they come in contact with a magnet
A man and his wife decide to spend some time together doing the things they normally do on their own. So the wife helps with a spot of gardening, and they spend an enjoyable week pottering around and she is quite impressed with her man's knowledge.
The next week it is his turn to share the tasks of cooking. Unfortunately, this coincides with her less than good week, if you follow my drift.
Everything goes quite well, until the husband remarks that he thinks two spoons of salt are better than just the one she puts in the potatoes.
"I only ever use one dear," his wife says. He says, "Well, I think you not might be quite right on that one, my love."
"Not quite right?" she turns on him, "Oh I know what you mean, you mean I am COMPLETELY not right. You mean I am wrong! Not only am I WRONG, I am a liar, I tell such huge lies I am hardly fit to be human. In fact I am not even speaking like a human, I am BARKING! Just like a dog in fact! Like a 'not quite right' dog!" She quick dials the phone, "MOTHER! Roger's just called me an insane bitch!"
There was once a man and woman who had been married for more than 60 years.They had shared everything. They had talked about everything. They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little old woman had a shoebox in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about.
For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day the little old lady got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover. In trying to sort out their affairs, the old man took down the shoebox and took it to his wife's bedside. She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box.
When he opened it, he found two crocheted doilies, and a stack of money totaling $25,000. He asked her about the contents. "When we were to be married," she said, "my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doily."
The old man was so moved, he had to fight back tears. Only two precious doilies were in the box. She had only been angry with him two times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with happiness.
"Honey," he said, "that explains the doilies, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?"
"Oh," she said, "that's the money I made from selling the doilies."
A man and a woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant. Their waitress,
taking another order at a table a few steps away, suddenly noticed the man was
slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, but the woman acted
unconcerned.
The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight
under the table.
Still, the woman appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that her dining
companion had disappeared.
The waitress went over to the table and said to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am,
but I think your husband just slid under the table."
The woman calmly looked up at her and said, "No, he didn't. My husband...just
walked in the door."
Dear John
Ever since I walked out on you I have been going through such agonies it is hard to see the paper on what I write as my eyes fill with hot burning tears of despair.
Yes, you did have an affair with that girl, but then, you were clearly blind drunk, probably so drunk, as you claimed at the time, that you cannot remember anything, in fact it is now crossing my mind that you may actually have thought you were making love to me?
And I was wrong to call you all those things. You were always a splendid lover in bed, despite those cruel things I said about your manhood. Nobody could come close to you physically.
Emotionally, you were always so sensitive, but firm of purpose. Indeed, how I could even have thought of walking out on you is driving me crazy. Maybe you were right when you said I was being neurotic. I am already making plans to see a shrink as you suggested.
Please, my darling, my love, please let me come back home and share what will be a wonderful, happy and fulfilled life.
Your ever loving girlfriend,
Tracy
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
PS - Well done on the lotto win!
I mean to say most people interpret domain names in common sense and they don't follow what you lead them to. In order to prove that I am right, please look at the following unfortunate names:
1) Who Represents?, a database for agencies to the rich and famous:
http://www.whorepresents.com
2) Experts Exchange, a knowledge base where programmers can exchange advice and views:
http://www.expertsexchange.com
3) Looking for a pen? Look no further than Pen Island:
http://www.penisland.net
4) Need a therapist?
http://www.therapistfinder.com
5) Mole Station Native Nursery, based in New South Wales:
http://www.molestationnursery.com
6) New to Milan and you need electric light? Why not sign up on-line with Power-Gen?
http://www.powergenitalia.com
Newest Bush Bumper Stickers:
(On an infant's shirt): Already smarter than
Bush
1/20/09: End of an Error
That's OK, I Wasn't Using My Civil Liberties
Anyway If You Want a Nation Ruled By
Religion, Move to Iran You Can't Be Pro-War
And Pro-Life At The Same Time
World's shortest book-3 blank pages.
George W. Bush's Successful Business
Ventures
He emptied the treasury of Texas and the US, what next?
George Bush: Creating the Terrorists Our Kids Will Have to Fight
America : One Nation, Under Surveillance
Which God Do You Kill For?
Jail to the Chief!
No, Seriously, Why Did We Invade
Like Jesus Would Own a Gun and Vote Republican
We're Making Enemies Faster Than We Can Kill Them
Is It Vietnam Yet?
Bush Doesn't Care About White People, Either
Where Are We Going? And Why Are We In This Handbasket?
Frodo Failed. Bush Has the Ring.
The Republican Party: Our Bridge to the 11th Century
Life is a Gift....Unwrap it...
"Honey," said this husband to his wife, " I invited a friend home for supper."
"What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I didn't go shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don't feel like cooking fancy meal!"
"I know all that."
"Then why did you invite a friend for supper?"
"Because the poor fool's thinking about getting married."
On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules:
"The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time."
He continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of $180. Are there any questions?"
At this point, a male student in the crowd inquired: "How much for a season pass?"
It was about a month ago when a Dutchman in Amsterdam felt that he needed to confess, so went to his priest.
"Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. During World War II, I hid a Jewish man in my attic."
"Well," answered the priest, "that's not a sin."
"But I made him agree to pay me 20 pieces for every week he stayed."
"I admit that wasn't good, but you did it for a good cause."
"Oh thank you Father; that eases my mind. Um, I have one more question..."
"What is that, my son?"
"Do I have to tell him the war is over?"
After the college boy delivered the pizza to Bud's trailer house, Bud asked, "What is the usual tip?"
"Well," replied the youth, "this is my first trip here, but the other guys say if I get a quarter out of you, I'll be doing great."
"Is that so?" snorted Bud. "Well, just to show them how wrong they are, here's five dollars."
"Thanks," replied the youth, "I'll put this in my school fund."
"What are you studying?" asked Bud.
The lad smiled and said, "Applied psychology."
There is a man who has three girlfriends, but he does not know which
one to marry. So he decides to give each one $5000 and see how each
of them spends it.
The first one goes out and gets a total makeover with the money. She
gets new clothes, a new hairdo, manicure, pedicure, the works, and
tells the man, "I spent the money so I could look pretty for you
because I love you so much."
The second one went out and bought new golf clubs, a CD player, a
television, and a stereo and gives them to the man. She says, "I
bought these gifts for you with the money because I love you so much."
The third one takes the $5000 and invests it in the stock market,
doubles her investment, returns the $5000 to the man and reinvests the
rest. She says, "I am investing the rest of the money for our future
because I love you so much."
The man thought long and hard about how each of the women spent the
money, and decided to marry the one with the biggest breasts.
The student - not necessarily a well-prepared student - sat in his life science classroom staring at a question on the final exam paper. The question directed: "Give four advantages of breast milk."
What to write? He sighed, and began to scribble whatever came into his head, hoping for the best:
1. No need to boil.
2. Cats can't steal it.
3. Available whenever necessary.
Um. So far so good - maybe. But the exam demanded a four-part answer. Again, what to write?
Once more he sighed. He frowned. He scowled. Then sighed again. But suddenly, he brightened. He grabbed his pen, and triumphantly he scribbled his definitive answer:
4. Available in attractive containers.
Dear Dad,
$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can't think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.
Love,
Your $on
The Reply:
Dear Son,
I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.
Love,
Dad
Two college students, Frank and Matt, are riding on a New York City subway when a beggar approaches them asking for spare change.
Frank adamantly rejects the man in disgust.
Matt, on the other hand, whips out his wallet, pulls out a couples of singles and gladly hands them over to the beggar with a smile.
The beggar thanks him kindly and then continues on to the other passengers.
Frank is outraged by his friend's act of generosity.
"What on earth did you do that for?" shouts Frank. "You know he's only going to use it on drugs or booze."
Matt replies, "And we weren't?"
After the weekly mass the priest had locked the doors and was ready to go home. When he left the church he saw that all of the churchgoers were still lingering in front of the church.
"What's going on?" the priest asked the crowd. "Why are you still here?"
A man replied:"We were told that in a minute or so a naked lady on a horse will ride by!"
"Oh" said the priest, "then I will stay too: I haven't seen a horse in a long time."
Little Johnny sees his Daddy's car passing the playground and going into the woods.
Curious, he follows the car and sees Daddy and Aunt Jane kissing.
Johnny finds this so exciting and can barely contain himself as he runs home and starts to tell his mother excitedly.
"MOMMY, MOMMY, I WAS AT THE PLAYGROUND AND DADDY AND...."
Mommy tells him to slow down, but that she wants to hear the story.
So Johnny tells her. "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went to look and Daddy was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt, then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane laid down on the seat, then Daddy...."
At this point, Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight."
At the dinner table, Mommy asks Johnny to tell his story.
He describes the car into the woods, the undressing, laying down on the seat, and, "Then Daddy and Aunt Jane did that same thing Mommy and Uncle Jeff used to do when Daddy was in the Army."
A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money.
The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said,
"Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel.
I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents.
The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I'd accumulated a fortune of $1.37.
Then my wife's father died and left us two million dollars."
This guy is in a plane when he feels thirsty. He calls the stewardess and asks her politely for a Large Whiskey.There's a parrot in the seat next to him, who snaps,"A double Scotch and make it quick". "Yes ,sir"the stewardess says, and quickly gets the bird his drink - but ignores the guy. The parrot downs his in one gulp, and says "gimme another". The stewardess gets him a second drink, ignoring the guy again. The guy, meanwhile has been asking for his drink very politely. He decides to use the parrot's tactics and snarls at the stewardess,"You @#*$# hag, get me my bloody Scotch!". Suddenly a large co-pilot comes out of the cockpit and ejects both the guy and the parrot off the plane.
As they're falling, the parrot turns to the guy and says "You know, you're quite brave for someone who can't fly...".
For his birthday, little Patrick asked for a 10-speed bicycle. His father said, "Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $580,000 and, unfortunately, your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it."
The next day the father saw little Patrick heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked, "Son, where are you going?"
Little Patrick told him, "I was walking past your room last night and heard you telling mom you were pulling out. Then I heard mom tell you to wait because she was coming, too. I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with a $580,000 mortgage and no bike!"
During one of her daily classes a teacher trying to teach good manners,
asked her students the following question: "Michael, if you were on a
date
Having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you
have
to go to the bathroom?" Michael said, "Just a minute I have to go pee."
The teacher responded by saying, "That would be rude and impolite. What
about you Peter? How would you say it?" Peter said, "I am sorry, but I
really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back." "That's better,
but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner
table."
"And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us
your
good manners?"
Johnny answered by saying, "I would say: Darling, may I
please be excused for
a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear
friend of mine, whom I hope you'll get to meet after di nner."
The teacher fainted.
The father of five children had won a toy at a raffle.
He called his kids together to ask which one should have the present.
"Who is the most obedient?" he asked.
"Who never talks back to mother? Who does everything she says?"
Five small voices answered in unison. "Okay, dad, you get the toy."
A mountain climber is nearing the end of along climb up a sheer slope of a mountain
He has one more reach to get over the top
He grabs a bush and swings and the bush pulls out leaving him hanging in space
The bush pulls more and more the the mountain climber says "HELP IS THERE ANYONE UP THERE!!!??"
A loud voice says "I am here my son!:
The man says Who the F____ are you?
This is GOD!
Well God Can you help me
YES LET GO OF THE BUSH AND I WILL SAVE YOU!'
A long pause
Silence and then
IS THERE ANYONE ELSE UP THERE
A Police car pulled alongside a speeding car on the motorway.
Glancing at the car he was astonished to see that the blond behind the wheel was knitting!
Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the cop rolled down his window and shouted "Pullover!".
The blonde rolled down her window and yelled back "No, it's a scarf!".
THIS IS A TRUE STORY
BEST LAWYER STORY OF THE YEAR, DECADE AND PROBABLY THE CENTURY.
Charlotte, North Carolina:
A lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then
insured them against, among other things, fire.
Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great
cigars and without yet having made even his first premium payment on
the policy the lawyer filed a claim against the insurance company.
In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost "in a series of
small fires."
The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason,that
the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.
The lawyer sued.. and WON!
(Stay with me.)
Delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company
that the claim was frivolous. The judge stated never theless, that the
lawyer held a policy from the company, which it had warranted that the
cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them
against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable
fire" and was obligated to pay the claim.
Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance
company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his
loss of the cigars lost in the "fires".
NOW FOR THE BEST PART..
After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him
arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!!
With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case
being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally
burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail
and a $24,000 fine.
This is a true story and was the First Place winner in the recent
Criminal Lawy ers Award Contest.
Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder
1.. All the DNA is the same.
2. There are no dental records.
A man comes home from work and asks his wife what she would like for her birthday.
She says,"I want a divorce, Asshole!"
He says, "But Dear, I wasn't planning on spending that kind of money!"
One : Don't miss the boat.
Two : Remember that we are all in the same boat.
Three: Plan ahead. It wasn't raining when Noah built the Ark.
Four : Stay fit When you're 600 years old, someone may ask you to do something really big.
Five : Don't listen to critics; just get on with the job that needs to be done
Six : Build your future on high ground.
Seven : For safety's sake, travel in pairs.
Eight : Speed isn't always an advantage. The snails were on board with the cheetahs.
Nine : When you're stressed, float a while.
Ten : Remember, the Ark was built by amateurs; the Titanic by professionals.
Eleven : No matter the storm, when you are with God, there's always a rainbow waiting...Pass this along and make someone else smile, too.
A doctor examined a woman, took the husband aside, and said, "I don't like the looks of your wife at all. "Me neither doc," said the husband. "But she's a great cook and really good with the kids."
God is tired, worn out. So he speaks to St. Peter, "You know, I need a vacation. Got any suggestions where I should go?"
St. Peter, thinking, nods his head, then says, "How about Jupiter? It's nice and warm there this time of the year."
God shakes His head before saying, "No. Too much gravity. You know how that hurts my back."
"Hmmm," St. Peter reflects. "Well, how about Mercury?"
"No way!" God mutters, "It's way too hot for me there!"
"I've got it," St. Peter says, his face lighting up. "How about going Down to Earth for your vacation?"
Chuckling, God remarks, "Are you kidding? Two thousand years ago I went there, had an affair with some nice Jewish girl, and they're STILL talking about it!"
DAD - Son, come in here, we need to talk.
SON - What's up, Dad?
DAD - There's a scratch down the side of the car. Did you do it?
SON - I don't believe; if I understand the definition of "scratch the car"; that I can say, truthfully,that I scratched the car.
DAD - Well, it wasn't there yesterday, and you drove the car last night, and no one else has driven it since. How can you explain the scratch?
SON - Well, as I've said before, I have no recollection of scratching the car. While it is true that I did take the car out last night, I did not scratch it.
DAD - But your sister, Monica, has told me she saw you back the car against the mailbox at the end of the driveway, heard a loud scraping sound, saw you get out to examine the car, and then drive away. So again I'll ask you, yes or no, did you scratch the car?
SON - Oh, you mean you think you have evidence to prove I scratched it. Well, you see, I understood you to mean did "I" scratch the car. I stand by my earlier statement, that I did not scratch the car.
DAD - Are you trying to tell me you didn't drive the car into the mailbox?
SON - Well, you see sir, I was trying to drive the car into the street. I mishandled the steering of the car, and it resulted in direct contact with the mailbox, though that was clearly not my intent.
DAD - So you are then saying that you did hit the mailbox?
SON - No sir, that's not my statement. I'll refer you back to my original statement that I did not scratch the car.
DAD - But the car did hit the mailbox, and the car did get scratched as a result of this contact?
SON - Well, yes, I suppose you could look at it that way.
DAD - So you lied to me when you said you did not scratch the car?
SON - No. No, that's not correct. Your question was "Did I scratch the car?" From a strict legal definition, as I understood the meaning of that sentence, I did not scratch the car... the mailbox did... I was merely present when the scratching occurred. So my answer of "No" when you asked "Did I scratch the car" was legally correct, although I did not volunteer information.
DAD - Where in the heck did you learn to be such a liar?
SON - From The President of the United States.
You may not know this but many nonliving things have a gender...
Ziploc Bags are Male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.
Copiers are Female, because once turned off; it takes a while to warm them up again. It's an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed.
A Tire is Male, because it goes bald and it's often over-inflated.
A Hot Air Balloon is Male, because, to get it to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under it, and of course, there's the hot air part.
Sponges are Female, because they're soft, squeezable and retain water.
A Web Page is Female, because it's always getting hit on.
A Subway is Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.
An Hourglass is Female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.
A Hammer is Male , because it hasn't changed much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.
A Remote Control is Female. Had you fooled! You thought it'd be male , didn't you? But consider this - it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying!
The man approached the very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and asked, "You know, I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?"
"Why?"
"Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman my wife appears out of nowhere."
A radical feminist is getting on a bus when, just in front of her, a man gets up from his seat.
She thinks to herself, "Here's another man trying to keep up the customs of a patriarchal society by offering a poor, defenseless woman his seat," and she pushes him back onto the seat.
A few minutes later, the man tries to get up again. She is insulted again and refuses to let him up.
Finally, the man says,
"Look, lady, you've got to let me get up. I'm two miles past my stop already."
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the truck, the car, playing golf - always something more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway." The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp. Moral to this story: Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is the husband.
An elderly couple, Margaret and Bert, move to Texas . Bert always
Wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on sale, he
Buys them and wears them home.
Walking proudly he goes into the kitchen and says to his wife, "Notice
Anything different about me?"
Margaret looks him over, "Nope".
Frustrated, Bert storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks
Back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots. Again he
Asks, a little louder this time, "Notice anything different NOW?"
Margaret looks up and says, "Bert, what's different? It's hanging down
Today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again
Tomorrow."
Furious, Bert yells, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?"
"Nope", she replies.
"IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!"
Margaret replies... "Shoulda bought a hat, Bert. Ya shoulda bought a
Hat."
1. Your son has a remarkable ability in gathering needed information from his classmates.
(He was caught cheating on a test).
2. Karen is an endless fund of energy and viability.
(The hyperactive monster can't stay seated for five minutes).
3. Fantastic imagination! Unmatched in his capacity for blending fact with fiction.
(He's definitely one of the biggest liars I have ever met).
4. Margie exhibits a casual, relaxed attitude to school, indicating that high expectations don't intimidate her.
(The lazy thing hasn't done one assignment all term).
5. Her athletic ability is marvelous. Superior hand-eye coordination.
(The little creep stung me with a rubber band from 15 feet away).
6. Nick thrives on interaction with his peers.
(Your son needs to stop socializing and start working).
7. Your daughter's greatest asset is her demonstrative public discussions.
(Classroom lawyer! Why is it that every time I explain an assignment she creates a class argument).
8. John enjoys the thrill of engaging challenges with his peers.
(He's a bully).
9. An adventurous nature lover who rarely misses opportunities to explore new territory.
(Your daughter was caught skipping school at the fishing pond).
10. I am amazed at her tenacity in retaining her youthful personality.
(She's so immature that we've run out of diapers).
11. Unlike some students who hide their emotion, Charles is very expressive and open.
(He must have written the Whiner's Guide).
12. I firmly believe that her intellectual and emotional progress would be enhanced through a year's repetition of her learning environment.
(Regretfully, we believe that she is not ready for high school and must repeat the 8th grade).
13. Her exuberant verbosity is awesome! (A mouth that never stops yacking).
A man was saying on the beach one day, looking up at the clouds, when suddenly the clouds split open and he could hear Gods voice.
"John Doe, this is God speaking to you. You know, you have been so faithful to me, you havn't missed any days at church, you pray every night, and I thought because you have been so faithful, I will give you any one wish your heart desires."
John Doe was surprised to hear this, so he thought to himself
"Wow, any one wish." After a few moments he thought of something
"You know God, I have always wanted to visit Hawaii, but could never afford to buy plane tickets for my family, so my wish is, I wish there was a bridge going from here to Hawaii."
God thought a moment then replied "John, do you realise how much work would go into building a bridge like that? Measuring the depth for the supports, having to go with the curve of the earth, the amount of labor going into the bridge? Don't you think that is a bit of a selfish wish?"
John thought for a moment, "you know, you're right,I'm sorry, I wasn't thinking about that, I got a different wish then. I wish I could understand women, sometimes my wife is going on and on, and I dont understand a thing she means, so my final wish is I wish I could understand women.
"Hmmmm," God thought "So will that be one lane or two lanes on the bridge?
A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, "Wanna hear a blonde joke?"
In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something."
"Our bartender IS blonde, the bouncer is blonde. I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb black belt. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2", weighs 225, and he's a rugby player. The fella to your right is 6'5" pushing 300 and he's a wrestler. Each one of US is blonde. Think about it, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"
The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
A man walks into a bar, and as he makes his way to the counter, he stops and talks to everyone in the bar. As he finishes with each group of people, they all get up and leave and go stand outside the window, looking in. Finally, the bar is empty except for this guy and the bartender. The man walks up to the counter, and says to the bartender, "I bet you $1,000 that I can spray beer from my mouth into a shot glass from thirty feet away, and not get any outside the glass."
The bartender thinks that this guy is a nutcase, but he wants his $1,000, so he agrees. The bartender gets out a shot glass, paces off thirty feet, and the contest begins. The man sprays beer all over the bar. He doesn't even touch the shot glass. When he finishes, the bartender looks at him and says, "Well, I guess you owe me $1,000, huh?"
The man answers, "Yeah, but I bet all of those people outside the window $500 a piece that I could come in here and spray beer all over the bar."
The boss was complaining in our staff meeting the other day that he wasn't getting any respect. The next day, he brought a small sign that read:
"I'm the Boss!"
He then taped it to his office door.
Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said:
"Your wife called, she wants her sign back!"
1. If I like it, it's mine.
2. If its in my mouth, it's mine.
3. If I can take it from you, it's mine.
4. If I had it a little while ago, it's mine.
5. If I'm chewing something up, all the pieces are mine.
6. If its mine, it must never appear to be yours anyway.
7. If it just looks like mine, it's mine.
8. If I saw it first, it's mine.
9. If you are playing with something and you put it down, it automatically becomes mine.
10. If its broken, it's yours.
A dietician was once addressing a large audience in Chicago. "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the germs in our drinking water.
"But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all of us eat it. Can anyone here tell me what lethal product I'm referring to? You, sir, in the first row, please give us your idea."
The man lowered his head and said, "Wedding cake."
A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw the crow, and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?".
The crow answered: Sure, why not."
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Management Lesson?
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.
Two couples were playing poker one evening. John accidentally dropped some
cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he
noticed Bill's wife Sue wasn't wearing any underwear under her dress!
Shocked by this, John upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the
table and emerged red-faced. Later, John went to the kitchen to get some
refreshments. Bill's wife followed and asked, "Did you see anything that you
liked under there?."
Surprised by her boldness, John courageously admitted that, well indeed he
did. She said, "Well, you can have it but it will cost you $500." After
taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of this
offer, John confirms that he is interested. She tells him that since her
husband Bill works Friday afternoons and John doesn't, John should be at her
house around 2 PM Friday afternoon.
When Friday rolled around, John show ed up at Bill's house at 2 PM sharp and
after paying Sue the agreed sum of $500 they went to the bedroom and closed
their transaction, as agreed. John quickly dressed and left
As usual, Bill came home from work at 6pm and upon entering the house, asked
his wife abruptly. "Did John come by the house this afternoon?" With a lump
in her throat Sue answered "Why yes, he did stop by for a few minutes this
afternoon."
Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked, "And did he
give you $500?"
In terror she assumed that somehow he had found out and after mustering her
best poker face, replied, "Well, yes, in fact he did give me $500."
Bill, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying ,
"Good, I was hoping he did. John came by the office this morning and
borrowed $500 from me. He promise d me he'd stop by our house this afternoon
on his way home and pay me back."
An older lady gets pulled over for speeding...
Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
Older Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer: Don't have one?
Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.
Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration
papers please.
Older Woman: I can't do that.
Officer: Why not?
Older Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the
owner.
Officer: You what?
Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the
trunk if you want to see
The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away
to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5
police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly
approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle
please!
The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Older woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have
stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Older Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of
your car, please.
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an
empty trunk.
Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.
The officer is quite stunned.
Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not
have a driving license.
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch
purse and hands it to the officer.
The officer examines the license. He looks quite
puzzled.
Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me
you didn't have a license, that you stole this car,
and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.
Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding,
too.
Don't Mess With Old Ladies
Always wear clean underwear in public, especially when working under your
vehicle...
From the Northwest Florida Daily News comes this story of a Crestview
couple who drove their car to Wal-Mart, only to have their car break down
in the Parking lot. The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he
fixed the car in the lot. The wife returned later to see a small group of
people near the car. On closer inspection, she saw a pair of male legs
Protruding from under the chassis. Although the man was in shorts, his
]lack of underpants turned private parts into glaringly public ones. Unable
to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her
hand UP his shorts, and tucked everything back into place. On regaining
her feet, she looked across the hood and found herself staring at her
husband who was standing idly by.
The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead.
Let's face it, English is a stupid language.
There is no egg in the eggplant.
No ham in the hamburger.
And neither pine nor apple in the pineapple.
English muffins were not invented in England.
And French fries were not invented in France.
We sometimes take English for granted.
But if we examine its paradoxes we find that
Quicksand takes you down slowly,
Boxing rings are square
And a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
If writers write, how come fingers don't fing?
If the plural of tooth is teeth,
Shouldn't the plural of phone booth be phone beeth?
If the teacher taught,
Why didn't the preacher praught?
If a vegetarian eats vegetables,
What the heck does a humanitarian eat?
Why do people recite at a play,
Yet play at a recital?
Park on driveways and
Drive on parkways?
How can the weather be as hot as hell on one day
And as cold as hell on another?
You have to marvel at the unique lunacy
Of a language where a house can burn up as
It burns down.
And in which you fill in a form,
By filling it out.
And a bell is only heard once it goes!
English was invented by people, not computers.
And it reflects the creativity of the human race.
(Which of course isn't a race at all)
That is why,
When the stars are out, they are visible
But when the lights are out, they are invisible
And it's why when I wind up my watch,
It starts.
But when I wind up this poem,
It ends.
