I WILL DO ANYTHING TO PASS

A student comes to a young professor's office hours. She glances down the hall, closes his door, kneels pleadingly.

"I would do anything to pass this exam." She leans closer to him, flips back her hair, gazes meaningfully into his eyes. "I mean..." she whispers, "...I would do...anything."

He returns her gaze. "Anything?"

"Anything."

His voice softens. "Anything??"

"Absolutely anything."

His voice turns to a whisper. "Would you...study?"

The Bank

In a long line of people waiting for a bank teller, one guy suddenly started massaging the back of the person in front of him.
Surprised, the man in front turned and snarled, "Just what the hell you are doing?"
"Well," said the guy, "you see, I'm a chiropractor and I could see that you were tense, so I had to massage your back. Sometimes I just can't help practicing my art!"
"That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard!" the guy replied. "I'm a lawyer. Do you see me skrewing the guy in front of me?"

WHAT DOES A SCOTSMAN WEAR UNDER HIS KILT?

Q: How do you keep a blonde busy all day?
A: Put her in a round room and tell her to sit in the corner.

Lawyer and a Blonde.

A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde just wants to take a nap,so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists and explains that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and visa-versa." Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep.
The lawyer, now somewhat agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $50!" figuring that since she is a blonde that he will easily win the match. This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill and hands it to the lawyer.
Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer: "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?" The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the
Airphone with his modem and searches the Net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends E-mails to all his coworkers and friends he knows. All to no avail.
After over an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $50. The blonde politely takes the $50 and turns away to get back to sleep.
The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, so what IS the answer!?" Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.

EYE TEST - FIND THE BOAT

Can you spot the boat in the picture? You have to concentrate very hard to see it. Most women, being long-sighted, see it straight away. But men, the short-sighted half of humanity, have great difficulty finding the boat. Test yourself. How long does it take you to see the boat?

Bad Influence Parrot.

This lady approaches a priest and tells him,
"Father, I have a problem. I have these two talking female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."
"What do they say?" inquired the priest.
"They only know how to say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?' "
"That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed, "but I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two talking female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots who I taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship."
"Thank you!" responded the woman.
So the next day, the lady brings her female parrots to the priests house. The priest two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her female parrots in with the male parrots and the female parrots say,
"Hi, we are prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?"
One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaims,
"Put the bibles away. Our prayers have been answered!"

A doctor examined a woman, took the husband aside, and said, "I don't like the looks of your wife at all. "Me neither doc," said the husband. "But she's a great cook and really good with the kids."

Do You Know Who I Am?

"Isn't the principal a dummy!" said a boy to a girl.

"Well, do you know who I am?" asked the girl.

"No." replied the boy.

"I'm the principal's daughter." said the girl.

"And do you know who I am?" asked the boy.

"No," she replied.

"Thank goodness!" said the boy with a sign of relief.

You see, I seem to be getting forgetful

The man looked a little worried when the doctor came in to administer his annual physical, so the first thing the doctor did was to ask whether anything was troubling him.

"Well, to tell the truth, Doc, yes," answered the patient. "You see, I seem to be getting forgetful. I'm never sure I can remember where I put the car, or whether I answered a letter,
or where I'm going, or what it is I'm going to do once I get there -- if I get there. So, I really need your help. What the Hell can I do?"

The doctor mused for a moment, then answered in his kindest tone, "Pay me in advance."

Cruise Parrot

A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean.
The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again.
There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick.
Once he understood he started shouting in the middle of the show:
"Look, it's not the same hat"
"Look, he is hiding the flowers under the table"
"Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades ?"
The magician was furious but couldn't do anything; it was, after all, the captain's parrot. One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the ocean with the parrot, of course. They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word.
This went on for a day and then another and another.
After a week the parrot said: "OK, I give up. Where's the boat?"

A MANAGER'S DILEMA

An office manager had money problems & had to fire an employee, either Jack or Jill... He thought he'd fire the employee who came late to work the next morning.

Well, both employees came to work very early. Then the manager thought he would catch the first one who took a coffee break. Unfortunately, neither employee took a coffee break.

Then the manager decided to see who took the longest lunch break - strangely, neither Jack nor Jill took a lunch break that day, they both ate at their desk. Then the manager thought he'd wait & see who would leave work the earliest and both employees stayed after closing.

Jill finally went to the coat rack & the manager went up to her & said,
"Jill, I have a terrible problem. I don't know whether to lay you or Jack off."

Jill said, "Well, you'd better jack off, because I'm late for my bus."

Is anybody in Room 27?

A man phones a mental hospital and asks the receptionist if there is anybody in Room 27.

She goes and checks, and comes back to the phone, telling him that the room is empty.

"Good," says the man. "That means I must have really escaped."

Teacher: Amit, make a sentence starting with the letter 'I'.

Amit: I is...

Teacher: No, no, no, don't say "I is", you say "I am".

Amit: OK, I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.

Top 10 Reasons to Know You're a Redneck

1. Your dog rides in your truck more than your wife.
2. You wear specific hats to farm sales, livestock auctions, customer appreciation suppers, and vacations.
3. You have ever had to wash off in the backyard with a garden hose before your wife would let you in the house.
4. You've never thrown away a 5-gallon bucket.
5. You can remember the fertilizer rate, seed population, herbicide rate and yields on a farm you rented 10 years ago, but cannot recall your wife's birthday.
6. You have used a velvet leaf plant as toilet paper.
7. You have driven off the road while examining your neighbors crops.
8. You have borrowed gravel from the county road to fill potholes in your driveway.
9. You have buried a dog and cried like a baby.
10. You've used the same knife to make bull calves steers and peel apples.

Parrot

One day a man went to an auction.
While there, he bid on a parrot.
He really wanted this bird, so he got caught up in the bidding.
He kept on bidding, but kept getting outbid, so he bid higher and higher and higher.
Finally, after he bid way more than he intended, he won the bid - the parrot was his at last!
As he was paying for the parrot, he said to the Auctioneer, "I sure hope this parrot can talk. I would hate to have paid this much for it, only to find out that he can't talk!"
"Don't worry." said the Auctioneer, "He can talk. Who do you think kept bidding against you?"

Divorce Settlement

"Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce court judge said, "And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week. That's very fair, your honor," the husband said. "And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself,"

Let's take a trip to Disney

Two blondes had driven across the country to see Disney World in Florida. As they approached it and got onto the final stretch of highway, they saw a sign saying "Disney World left". After thinking for a minute, the driver blonde said "Oh well!" and started driving back home.

Why God never received a PhD

1. He had only one major publication.
2. It was in Hebrew.
3. It had no references.
4. It wasn't published in a refereed journal.
5. Some even doubt he wrote it by himself.
6. It may be true that he created the world, but what has he done since then?
7. His cooperative efforts have been quite limited.
8. The scientific community has had a hard time replicating his results.
9. He never applied to the ethics board for permission to use human subjects.
10. When one experiment went awry he tried to cover it by drowning his subjects.
11. When subjects didn't behave as predicted, he deleted them from the sample.
12. He rarely came to class, just told students to read the book.
13. Some say he had his son teach the class.
14. He expelled his first two students for learning.
15. Although there were only 10 requirements, most of his students failed his tests.
16. His office hours were infrequent and usually held on a mountain top.
17. No record of working well with colleagues.

Actual 911 Calls

Police, Fire and Medical.
I have never been in Portland before except once to pick up a check...and I don't know where to go. I'm near an adult bookstore called Cindy's...
Okay, do you need Police, Fire or Medical?
No sir, I want to know where a good place to sit quietly and be by myself is.
Let me transfer you to non-emergency. I think they have a place for you.

911.
Uh, hi, last night I put my turkey in...
Uh huh?
...in the oven, and I set the, uh, oven at about two...twelve is what I was thinking, it's about a...twenty pound turkey. Is that safe?
Yeah, we really don't provide that kind of service, but I'm trying to help you out anyway. If it were me, I'd probably turn up the oven and just cook it and eat it.
Okay, thank you.
Yeah. Okay, good luck to you. Bye-bye.
Bye.

Sir, you are being cited for speeding, which is the reason why I was stopping you to begin with, for going fifty-five in a forty. You're also going to be cited(non-moving) for, uh, stereo loud, audible more than 25 feet away. Need you to sign here for the speed, please.
You're a liar...Your thing about the...that's for kids...
Sign the citation.
Who listen to rock and roll......or listen to rap music. I was listening to Bill O'Reilly, okay?
Bill O'Reilly doesn't fall under that statute?
You are a donut-eater, and you will rot in hell for lying.
Buckle up and slow down. Make sure you get your registration in the vehicle.

This is Lori, can I help you?
Yes, I need somebody to get this ice off my windshield. I don't know how to do it, er, I don't have anything to do it with.
I'm not sure why you think a police officer's gonna come help you get ice off your windshield.
I don't have, like, anything to get it off with. And I can't scratch it off.
Okay...If you don't have an ice scraper you're going to have to use something else with an edge on it, that you can get it off, or start your car and put the defroster on for a while.
All right, well, can y'all help me or not?
Well I'm helping you by giving you suggestions.
All right. Later.

F1

Once a programmer drowned in the sea. Many Marines where at that time on the beach, but the programmer was shouting “F1 F1″ and nobody understood it.

The Spy

Intelligence

A little boy went up to his father and asked: "Dad, where did all of my intelligence come from?"The father replied. "Well son, you must have got it from your mother, cause I still have mine"

Two Guys

Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and values. Stu said, "I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, "Did you?" Leroy replied, "I'm not sure, What was her maiden name?"

Why College is Like Preschool

Ten Ways College is Like Preschool

1.  You cry for your mother.

2.  You cross the street without looking for cars.

3.  Snack time is a necessity.

4.  You bundle up for the outdoors without caring
   what you look like (because everyone else looks
   just as stupid as you do).

5.  You stay at home and play games with your friends.

6.  You wear your backpack on both shoulders.

7.  You wear big mittens.

8.  Playing in the snow is a legitimate activity.

9.  You take naps.

10. You look forward to grilled cheese sandwhiches.

A British Airways employee took a call from a blonde asking the question, "How long is the Concorde flight from London to New York?" "Um, just a minute, if you please," he murmured. Then, as he turned to check the exact flight time, he heard an equally polite, "Thank you," as the phone went dead.

THE HR E-MAIL

e-mail one
Attention: Human Resources

Joe Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found
hard at work in his cubicle. Joe works independently, without
wasting company time talking to colleagues. Joe never
thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always
finishes given assignments on time. Often Joe takes extended
measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping
coffee breaks. Joe is an individual who has absolutely no
vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Joe can be
classed as a high-calibre employee, the type which cannot be
dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Joe be
promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
executed as soon as possible.
Regards,
Project Leader

e-mail two
Attention: Human Resources

Joe Smith was reading over my shoulder while I wrote the report sent to you earlier today. Kindly read only the odd numbered lines [1, 3, 5, etc.] for my true assessment of his ability.
Regards,
Project Leader

THE FACTS OF LIFE

Boy: Dad, what's politics?

Dad: Let me set an example with our family. I have all the money so we'll call me the management. Mom receives most of it so we'll call her the government. We'll call the maid the working class, you are the people, and your baby brother is the future. Do you understand now son?

Boy: I still don't understand dad.

Dad: Think about it for a while son.

That night the boy wakes up because his baby brother is crying. He goes in and finds out he's soiled his diapers. He goes to tell his mom but she's asleep he goes in to the maids room but she's in there having sex with his dad. He bangs on the door but no one can hear him.

The next day...

Son: Dad I understand politics now.

Dad: Good, explain it to me in your own words son.

Son: The management is screwing the working class while the government's fast asleep. The people are being ignored and the future is full of SHIT!

Ten George W Bush Quotes

"Actually, I — this may sound a little West Texan to you, but I like it. When I'm talking about — when I'm talking about myself, and when he's talking about myself, all of us are talking about me." —George W. Bush, in May 2000

"As governor of Texas, I have set high standards for our public schools, and I have met those standards."--CNN online chat, Aug. 30, 2000

"There is madmen in the world, and there are terror." (AP)

"Well, I think if you say you're going to do something and don't do it, that's trustworthiness."--Ibid.

"I think if you know what you believe, it makes it a lot easier to answer questions. I can't answer your question."—In response to a question about whether he wished he could take back any of his answers in the first debate. Reynoldsburg, Ohio, Oct. 4, 2000 (Thanks to Peter Feld.)

"The fact that he relies on facts--says things that are not factual--are going to undermine his campaign." --New York Times

"It is clear our nation is reliant upon big foreign oil. More and more of our imports come from overseas."—Beaverton, Ore., Sep. 25, 2000

"The most important job is not to be governor, or first lady in my case." —George W. Bush, in Jan. 2000

"And if he continues that, I'm going to tell the nation what I think about him as a human being and a person."—President George H.W. Bush, on the Today show, Aug. 1, 2000

"Families is where our nation finds hope, where wings take dream." —George W. Bush, in Oct.. 2000

REAL STORIES REPORTED BY FLIGHT CREWS

A flight Attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing:
"We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

Another flight Attendant after a particularly bumpy flight:
"Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seatbelts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"

"As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."

"We are please to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry... Unfortunately none of them are on this flight...!"

"This aircraft is equipped with a video surveillance system that monitors the cabin during taxiing. Any passengers not remaining in their seats until the aircraft comes to a full and complete stop at the gate will be strip-searched as they leave the aircraft."

"Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land... it's a bit cold outside"

"Smoking in the lavatories is prohibited. Any person caught smoking in the lavatories will be asked to leave the plane immediately."

"Your seat cushions can be used for floatation, and in the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments."

"As we prepare for takeoff, please make sure your tray tables and seat backs are fully upright in their most uncomfortable position."

"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane..."

Love Styles

The Italian man says, "Last week, my wife and I had great sex. I rubbed her body all over with olive oil, we made passionate love, and she screamed for five full minutes at the end."

The Frenchman boasts, "Last week when my wife and I had sex, I rubbed her body all over with butter. We then made passionate love and she screamed for fifteen minutes".

The Jewish man says, "Well, last week my wife and I also had sex. I rubbed her body all over with schmaltz. (chicken fat) We made love, and she screamed for over six hours."

The Italian and Frenchman were stunned. They asked, "What could you have possibly done to make your wife scream for six hours?"

The Jewish man says, "I wiped my hands on the bedspread!!!"

College Habits To Bring Home

1.Try to use your dorm key to unlock your bedroom door.

2.Have your mom scan your ID card for meals.

3.Look for a tray to carry your dinner to the table with.

4.Walk two blocks to go to dinner.

5.Forget to dial the first three digits of your friend's
 phone number.

6.Dial 9 when calling out of your house.

7.Use your calling card when calling your friends.

8.Walk to the post office to get your mail.

9.Yell "FLUSH!"

10.Jump out of the shower just in case someone does flush.

11.Try to latch the bathroom door because you think you're
  in a stall.

12.Take all your shower items to and from your room.

13.Get dressed in the dark.

14.Go nuts looking for the quarter slots on the washing
  machine.

15.Make junk food runs at 11:30 at night.

16.Make popcorn just because you miss the smell.

17.Order pizza every Friday night.

18.Have one of your friends spend the night because you
  can't sleep in a room by yourself.

19.Move another bed, dresser, and desk into your room because
  there is too much extra space.

20.Hang pictures of your college friends on the wall so
  you don't miss them.

21.Hoard food under your bed for when it snows and you
  don't want to go out. 

22.Walk around the neighborhood looking for a computer
  lab (e-mail withdrawal).

23.Fight your mother for quarters for the imaginary snack
  machine and pay phone in the house.

Reasons To Skip Class

1. The class is before noon.

2. Can't solve differential equations in my head.

3. Didn't do the class assignment and don't like to attend
  class unprepared.

4. The instructor knows no American English.

5. The class is in West Hall.

6. There is two feet of snow on the ground and you assume that
  class will be cancelled anyway.

7. GM Week.

8. Your girl/boyfriend is in town for the day.

9. You just took a test (or had one anytime that day).

10. The textbook weighs more than your refrigerator.

How to Write a Paper

1.Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a well lighted place
with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.

2.Read over the assignment carefully, to make certain you
understand it.

3.Walk down to the vending machines and buy some coffee to
help you concentrate.

4.Stop off at the third floor, on the way back and visit with
your friend from class. If your friend hasn't started the paper
yet either, you can both walk to McDonald's and buy a hamburger
to help you concentrate. If your friend shows you his
paper, typed, double-spaced, and bound in one of those
irritating see-thru plastic folders, drop him.

5.When you get back to your room, sit in a straight, comfortable
chair in a clean, well lighted place with plenty of freshly
sharpened pencils.

6.Read over the assignment again to make absolutely certain you
understand it.

7.You know, you haven't written to that kid you met at camp
since fourth grade. You'd better write that letter now and get
it our of the way so you can concentrate.

8.Go look at your teeth in the bathroom mirror.

9.Listen to one side of your favorite cd and that's it, I mean
it, as soon as it's over you are going to start that paper.

10.Listen to the other side.

11.Rearrange all of your CDs into alphabetical order.

12.Phone your friend on the third floor and ask if he's started
writing yet. Exchange derogatory remarks about your teacher, the
course, the university, the world at large.

13.Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well lighted
place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.

14.Read over the assignment again; roll the words across your
tongue; savor its special flavor.

15.Check the newspaper listings to make sure you aren't missing
something truly worthwhile on TV. NOTE: When you have a paper
due in less than 12 hours, anything on TV from Masterpiece
Theater to Sgt. Preston of the Yukon, is truly worthwhile, with
these exceptions: a) Pro Bowler's Tour b) movie starring Don
Ameche.

16.Catch the last hour of Soul Brother of Kung Fu on channel 26.

17.Phone your friend on the third floor to see if he was
watching. Discuss the finer points of the plot.

18.Go look at your tongue in the bathroom mirror.

18.5. Look through your roommate's book of pictures from home.
Ask who everyone is.

19.Sit down and do some serious thinking about your plans for
the future.

20.Open your door and check to see if there are any mysterious
trench-coated strangers lurking in the hall.

21.Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well lighted
place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.

22.Read over the assignment one more time, just for the hell of
it.

23.Scoot your chair across the room to the window and watch the
sunrise.

24.Lie face down on the floor and moan.

25.Leap up and write the paper.

1-800-PSYCH

Hello, Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline.
If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.
If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.
If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the # key until a representative comes on the line.
If you are dyslexic, press 696969696969.
If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone, date of birth, social security number and your mother's maiden name.
If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 000.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you are menopausal, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down & cry. You won't be crazy forever.
If you have a masochistic complex, please press "0" for the operator. There are 200 calls ahead of you.
If you are depressed, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.

Patient & Therapist

Patient to Rogerian therapist: I'm really depressed.
Therapist: I see. Yes. You are depressed.
Patient: Nothing is going well.
Therapist: Nothing well.
Patient: I feel like killing myself.
T: You're thinking of killing yourself.
P: Yes, I'm going to do it NOW.
T: You want to do it now.
P: [Jumps out window.]
T: Woosh. Splat.

Playing with Food

This takes playing with your food to all new levels!!

Going to Heaven

Einstein dies and goes to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, Saint Peter tells him, "You look like
Einstein, but you have NO idea what some people will do to sneak into Heaven. Can you prove who you really are?"

Einstein ponders for a few seconds and asks, "Could I have a blackboard and some chalk?"

Saint Peter snaps his fingers and a blackboard and chalk instantly appear. Einstein proceeds to
describe with arcane mathematics and symbols his theory of relativity.

Saint Peter is suitably impressed. "You really ARE Einstein!" he says. "Welcome to heaven!"

The next to arrive is Picasso. Once again, Saint Peter asks for credentials.

Picasso asks, "Mind if I use that blackboard and chalk?"

Saint Peter says, "Go ahead."

Picasso erases Einstein's equations and sketches a truly stunning mural with just a few strokes of chalk.

Saint Peter claps. "Surely you are the great artist you claim to be!"he says. "Come on in!"

Then Saint Peter looks up and sees George W. Bush. Saint Peter scratches his head and says, "Einstein and Picasso both managed to prove their identity. How can you prove yours?"

George W. looks bewildered and says, "Who are Einstein and Picasso?"

Saint Peter sighs and says, "Come on in, George."

Women and Cats

I've never understood why women love cats. Cats are independent, they don't listen, they don't come in when you call, they like to stay out all night, and when they're home they like to be left alone and sleep. In other words, every quality that women hate in a man, they love in a cat.

HAPPY HALLOWEEN

It's The Law!

If you are gluing something together you have to hold you will:
A-Have to sneeze  B  The phone will ring  C.  You will have an
overpower desire to use the rest room he he

Law of Mechanical Repair:  After your hands become coated with
grease your nose will begin to itch or you'll have to pee.

Law of the Workshop:  Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the
least accessible corner.

Law of probability:  The probability of being watched is
directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

Law of the Telephone:  When you dial a wrong number, you never
get a busy signal.

Law of the Alibi:  If you tell the boss you were late for work
because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have
a flat tire.

Variation Law:  If you change lanes (traffic lanes), the one
you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in
now(works every time).

Bath Theorem:  When the body is fully immersed in water, the
telephone rings.

Law of Close Encounters:  The probability of meeting someone you
know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be
seen with.

Law of the Result:  When you try to prove to someone that a
machine won't work,it will.

Law of Biomechanics:  The severity of the itch is inversely
proportional to the reach.

Theater Rule:  At any event, the people whose seats are furthest
from the aisle arrive last.

Law of Coffee:  As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee,
your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the
coffee is cold.

Murphy's Law of Lockers:  If there are only two people in a
locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

Law of Dirty Rugs/Carpets:  The chances of an open-faced jelly
sandwich of landing face down on a floor covering are directly
correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.

Law of Location:  No matter where you go, there you are.

Law of Logical Argument:  Anything is possible if you don't know
what you are talking about.

Brown's Law: If the shoe fits, it's really ugly.

Oliver's Law:  A closed mouth gathers no feet. (Thank goodness)

Wilson's Law:  As soon as you find a product that you really
like, they will stop making it.

A group of 3rd, 4th and 5th graders, accompanied by two female teachers went on a field trip to the local racetrack to learn about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry, but mostly to see the horses.
When it was time to take the children to the bathroom, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.
The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal.
Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the little boys up one by one -- holding onto their "wee-wees" to direct the flow away from their clothes. As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well-endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, "You must be in the 5th."
"No, ma'am," he replied, "I'm the jockey riding Silver Arrow in the 4th, but thanks for the lift."

Mom

A man called his mother in Florida, "Mom, how are you?"
"Not too good, said the mother. "I've been very weak."
The son said, "Why are you so weak?"
She said, "Because I haven't eaten in 38 days."
The son said, "That's terrible! Why haven't you eaten in 38 days?"
The mother answered, "Because I didn't want my mouth to be filled with food if you should call."

A rubber stamp we all need..

Teamwork

Advice from Dr. Phil!

I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me, and we could all use a little more calmness in our lives.

By following the simple advice I heard on the Dr. Phil show, I have finally found inner peace. Dr. Phil proclaimed, "The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you've started and never finished." So, I looked around my house to see all the things I started and hadn't finished, and before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of White Zinfandel, a bottle of Bailey's Irish Cream, a bottle of Kahlua, a package of Oreos, the remainder of my old Prozac prescription, the rest of the cheesecake, some Doritos and a box of chocolates.

You have no idea how freaking good I feel! The man is a Genius!

Please pass this on to those you feel might be in need of inner peace.

Homer Simpson Quotes

"Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose... it's how drunk you get."

"Oh, yeah, what are you gonna do? Release the dogs? Or the bees? Or the dogs with bees in their mouth and when they bark, they shoot bees at you?"

"Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try."

"It's not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but somehow I managed to fit in eight hours of TV a day."

Homer's Brain

yardwork

YARD WORK - AS VIEWED FROM HEAVEN
(overheard in a conversation between God and St. Francis):

God: Francis, you know all about gardens and nature; what in the world is going on down there in the U.S.? What happened to the dandelions, violets, thistles and the stuff I started eons ago? I had a perfect no-maintenance garden plan. Those plants grow in any type of soil, withstand drought, and multiply with abandon. The nectar from the long-lasting blossoms attracts butterflies, honeybees, and flocks of songbirds. I expected to see a vast garden of color by now. All I see are patches of green.

St. Francis: It's the tribes that settled there, Lord. They are called the Suburbanites. They started calling your flowers "weeds" and went to great lengths to kill them and replace them with grass.

God: Grass? But it is so boring, it's not colorful. It doesn't attract butterflies, bees or birds, only grubs and sod worms. It's temperamental with temperatures. Do these Suburbanites really want grass growing there?

St. Francis: Apparently not, Lord. As soon as it has grown a little, they cut it....sometimes two times a week.

God: They cut it? Do they bale it like hay?

St. Francis: Not exactly, Lord. Most of them rake it up and put it in bags.

God: They bag it? Why? Is it a cash crop? Do they sell it?

St. Francis: No sir, just the opposite. They pay to throw it away.

God: Now let me get this straight...they fertilize it to make it grow and when it does grow, they cut it off and pay to throw it away?

St. Francis: Yes, sir.

God: These Suburbanites must be relieved in the summer when we cut back on the rain and turn up the heat. That surely slows the growth and saves them a lot of work.

St. Francis: You aren't going to believe this Lord, but when the grass stops growing so fast, they drag out hoses and pay more money to water it so they can continue to mow it and pay to get rid of it.

God: What nonsense! At least they kept some of the trees. That was a sheer stroke of genius, if I do say so myself. The trees grow leaves in the spring to provide beauty and shade in the summer. In the autumn they fall to the ground and form a natural blanket to keep the moisture in the soil and protect the trees and bushes. Plus, as they rot, the leaves become compost to enhance the soil. It's a natural circle of life.

St. Francis: You'd better sit down, Lord. As soon as the leaves fall, the Suburbanites rake them into great piles and pay to have them hauled away.

God: No way! What do they do to protect the shrubs and tree roots in the winter to keep the soil moist and loose?

St Francis: After throwing the leaves away, they go out and buy something called mulch. They haul it home and spread it around in place of the leaves.

God: And where do they get this mulch?

St. Francis: They cut down the trees and grind them up to make mulch.

God: Enough! I don't want to think about this anymore. Saint Catherine, you're in charge of the arts. What movie have you scheduled for us tonight?

St. Catherine: "Dumb and Dumber," Lord. It's a really stupid movie about....

God: Never mind--I think I just heard the whole story from Saint Francis!

lol

I had a bunch of Canadian dollars I needed to exchange so I went to the currency exchange window at the local bank. Short line. Just one guy in front of me...

The guy in front of me was an Asian guy who was trying to exchange yen for dollars and he was a little irritated....

He asked the teller, "Why it change?? Yestoday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen today I get hundat eighty?? Why it change?"

The teller says "Fluctuations."

The Asian guy says, "Fluc you white people too"

I AM ABOVE THIS LAW

Attention Please

sod

A painting contractor was speaking with a woman about her job.

In the first room, she said she would like a pale blue.

The contractor wrote this down and went to the window, opened it, and yelled out "green side up!"

In the second room, she told the painter she would like it painted in a soft yellow.

He wrote this on his pad, walked to the window, opened it, and yelled "green side up!"

The lady was somewhat curious, but she said nothing.

In the third room, she said she would like it painted a warm rose color.

The painter wrote this down, walked to the window, opened it and yelled "green side up!"

The lady then asked him, "Why do you keep yelling 'green side up'?"

"I'm sorry," came the reply. "But I have a crew of blondes laying sod across the street.

Tricky Dicky, a used car dealer, was determined to break all sales records with his 'like new' models. A large sign in his window announced: "One Blonde Free With Every Car."

A delighted young stud plunked down his money and, in hot anticipation, drove his newly won blonde out into the country. He parked, gave her a few preliminary kisses, and whispered a suggestion in her ear. She shook her head, smiled, and said, "You got that when you bought this car."

Jill: Did you have a good time with William last weekend?

Mary: Not really. I don't want to say he was obese, but things went downhill after I asked, "Where is your penis?"

Husband: "Honey, why do you usually answer me back with a question when I ask you something?"

Wife: "Is that what I do?"

After waiting more than an hour and a half for her date, the young lady decided she had been stood up. She changed from her dinner dress into pajamas and slippers, fixed some popcorn and resigned herself to an evening of TV.

No sooner had she flopped down in front of the TV than her doorbell rang. There stood her date.

He took one look at her and gasped, "I'm two hours late ..... and you're still not ready?"

Joe: That's a beautiful mink you bought your wife. Does it keep her warm?

Jim: I didn't buy it to keep her warm. I bought it to keep her quiet.

Husband: Wouldn't it be fun to go the Holy Land and stand on Mount Sinai and shout out the Ten Commandments?

Wife: It would be better if you stayed home and kept them.