Desperate Housewives of Disney! :-)
X-ray glasses
Jon goes to the local novelty shop and finds a pair of x-ray glasses. He checks them out, and isn't fully convinced, but as usual, the store assistant comes along and closes the deal.
On his way home, Jon puts on his new x-ray glasses and, bingo! He sees everyone in the street naked. He takes them off for a moment, and everyone has their clothes on. Puts the glasses back on...everyone is naked! "Cool!"
As he arrives back home, he is eager to show his new toy to his wife, Judi, but can't find her. He goes up to the bedroom and finds his wife and the postman, naked in bed. He takes his glasses off, and the two are still naked. He puts them back on, and they are still naked.
Jon then says: "Damn, I just paid fifty bucks for these and they're already broken!"
George W. Bush
George W. Bush goes to a primary school to talk to the kids to get some good PR. After his talk he offers question time. One little boy puts up his hand and George asks him his name.
" Stanley," responds the little boy.
"And what is your question, Stanley ?"
"I have 4 questions: First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN? Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more votes? Third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden?" Fourth, why are we so worried about gay-marriage when ½ of all Americans don't have health insurance?
Just then, the bell rings for break.
George Bush informs the kiddies that they will continue after break. When they resume George says, "OK, where were we? Oh,that's right, It's question time. Who has a question?"
A different little boy puts up his hand. George points him out and asks him his name.
"Little Johnnie" he responds.
"And what is your question, Little Johnnie?"
"Actually Sir, I have 6 questions: First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN? Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more votes? Third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden? Fourth, why are we so worried about gay marriage when 1/2 of all Americans don't have health insurance? Fifth, why did the break bell go off 20 minutes early? And sixth, what happened to Stanley?"
The everlasting card!
Due to increasing age, forgetfulness, and my decreasing ability
to send cards on time here is my card to cover every Holiday..
Happy Everything!
to send cards on time here is my card to cover every Holiday..
Happy Everything!Opening A Checking Account
A guy walks into a bank and says to the teller at the window, “I want to open a f*ckin’ checking account”.
To which the lady replied, “I beg your pardon, what did you say?”
“Listen up dammit, I said I want to open a f*ckin’ checking account right now.”
“Sir, I’m sorry but we do not tolerate that kind of language in this bank!”
The teller left the window and went over to the bank manager and told him about her situation. They both returned and the manager asked, “What seems to be the problem here?”
“There’s no damn problem,” the man said, “I just won 50 million in the lottery and I want to open a f*ckin’ checking account in this damn bank!”
“I see sir,” the manager said, “and this b*tch is giving you a hard time?”
Six Legged Turkey
An industrious turkey farmer was always experimenting with breeding to perfect a better turkey. His family was fond of the leg portion for dinner and there were never enough legs for everyone. After many frustrating attempts, the farmer was relating the results of his efforts to his friends at the general store get together. 'Well I finally did it! I bred a turkey that has 6 legs!' They all asked the farmer how it tasted.
'I don't know, 'said the farmer, 'I never could catch it!'
Positively Wrong
A linguistics professor was lecturing his class.
"In English," he explained, "a double negative forms a positive. In some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative."
"However," the professor continued, "there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative."
A voice from the back of the room piped up. "Yeah, right."
Two blondes are walking down a road...
Two blondes are walking down a road, one has a large sports bag.
1st blonde: "What have you got in that bag?"
2nd blonde: "Chickens."
1st blonde: "If I can guess how many chickens you've got in that bag, can I have one of them?"
2nd blonde: "If you can guess how many chickens I've got in this bag, you can have BOTH of them!!"
1st blonde: Well, I think you've got three."
Not Today
Johnny always makes all kinds of excuses to avoid school. One day, his grandma who lives in another state came to his school and said to his teacher:" I want to see how Johnny is in class, he must be so adorable." The teacher was smiling:" I am sorry, not today. He asked for a leave to attend your funeral."
Cowboy
An old cowboy sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee. As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him.
She turned to the cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"
He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves,bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy."
She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think about women when I eat. It seems that everything makes me think of women."
The two sat sipping in silence.
A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"
He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out that I'm a lesbian."
Church Gossiper
Mildred, the church gossiper, and self-appointed monitor of the church's
morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business. Several members did not approve of her extra curricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.
She made a mistake, however, when she accused Frank, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon. She emphatically told Frank (and several others) that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing.
Frank, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned
and walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny ... he said nothing.
Later that evening, Frank quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house ... walked home ... and left it there all night!!!
You gotta love Frank.
Your Mom
Three guys are drinking in a bar when a drunk comes in, staggers up to them, and points at the guy in the middle, shouting, "Your mom's the best sex in town!" Everyone expects a fight, but the guy ignores him, so the drunk wanders off and bellies up to the bar at the far end. Ten minutes later, the drunk comes back, points at the same guy, and says, "I just did your mom, and it was sw-e-et!" Again the guy refuses to take the bait, and the drunk goes back to the far end of the bar. Ten minutes later, he comes back and announces, "Your mom liked it!" Finally the guy interrupts. "Go home, Dad, you're drunk!"
Top Ten Reasons Why I Homer Simpson Should Be The Next President
10. I'M SMARTER THAN THE LAST GUY
9. WITH AN OVAL OFFICE, I CAN'T BUMP INTO ANYTHING
8. FOX NEWS IS ALREADY ON MY SIDE
7. I WILL TAKE FULL ADVANTAGE OF THE FREE FOOD THAT COMES WITH THE JOB
6. I Have ENORMOUS EXPERIENCE APOLOGIZING FOR FAILED DECISIONS
5. I WILL APPOINT A SECRETARY OF DONUTS
4. I WILL BE THE SECRETARY OF DONUTS
3. MY MIDDLE NAME ISN'T HUSSEIN...ANYMORE
2. MY VICE PRESIDENT WILL BE MAYOR MCCHEESE
1. KICK-ASS INAUGURATION PARTY! BRING A SIX PACK AND YOU'RE IN
More Important Than The President
While the pope was visiting the USA, he told the driver of his limo that he has the sudden urge to drive. The driver was a good Catholic man, and would not ever dream of questioning the pope's authority. So the pope sat at the wheel, while his driver got in the back.
They were traveling down the road doing between 70 and 80 mph, when a policeman happened to see them. As he pulled them over, he called in to headquarters reporting a speeding limo, with a VIP inside it. The chief asked: "Who is in the limo, the mayor?" The policeman told him: "No, someone more important than the mayor." Then the chief asked "Is it the governor?" The policeman answered: "No, someone more important than the governor." The chief finally asked: "Is it the President?" The policeman answered: "No, someone even more important than the President." This made the chief very angry and he bellowed: "Now who is more important than the President?!" The policeman calmly wispered: "I'll put it to you this way chief. I don't know who is this guy, but he has the pope as his chauffeur."
Sex Obsession Problem
A man goes to a Psychologist and says, "Doc I got a real problem, I can't stop thinking about sex."
The Psychologist says, "Well let's see what we can find out", and pulls out his ink blots. "What is this a picture of?" he asks.
The man turns the picture upside down then turns it around and states, "That's a man and a woman on a bed making love."
The Psychologist says, "very interesting," and shows the next picture. "And what is this a picture of?"
The man looks and turns it in different directions and says, "That's a man and a woman on a bed making love."
The Psychologists tries again with the third ink blot, and asks the same question, "What is this a picture of?"
The patient again turns it in all directions and replies, "That's a man and a woman on a bed making love."
The Psychologist states, "Well, yes, you do seem to be obsessed with sex."
"Me!?" demands the patient. "You're the one who keeps showing me the dirty pictures!"
Different techniques
The Los Angeles Police Department (LAPD), The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.
The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.
The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.
The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"
Good news and bad news
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Three Questions
A new client had just come in to see a famous lawyer.
"Can you tell me how much you charge?", said the client.
"Of course", the lawyer replied, "I charge $200 to answer three questions!"
"Well that's a bit steep, isn't it?"
"Yes it is", said the lawyer, "And what's your third question?"
In Hot Pursuit
Two girlfriends were speeding down the highway at well over a 100 miles per hour.
"Hey," asked the brunette at the wheel, "see any cops following us?"
The blonde turned around for a long look. "As a matter of fact, I do."
"Oh, NOOOO!" yelled the brunette. "Are his flashers on?"
The blonde turned around again. "Yup...nope...yup...nope...yup..."
Competition
A shopkeeper was dismayed when a brand new business much like his own opened up next door and erected a huge sign which read 'BEST DEALS.' He was horrified when another competitor opened up on his right, and announced its arrival with an even larger sign, reading 'LOWEST PRICES.' The shopkeeper panicked, until he got an idea. He put the biggest sign of all over his own shop. It read 'MAIN ENTRANCE'.
Three Turtles
Three turtles, Joe, Steve, and Poncho, decide to go on a picnic. So, Joe packs the picnic basket with cookies, bottled sodas, and sandwiches. The trouble is, the picnic site is, 10 miles away, so the turtles take 10 whole days to get there. By the time they do arrive, everyone's whipped .Joe takes the stuff out of the basket, one by one. He takes out the sodas and says,'Alright, Steve, gimme the bottle opener. "I didn't bring the bottle opener,' Steve says. 'I thought you packed it.' Joe gets worried. He turns to Poncho. 'Poncho, do you have the bottle opener?' Naturally, Poncho doesn't have it, so the turtles are stuck ten miles away from home without soda. Joe & Steve beg Poncho to turn back home and retrieve it, but Poncho flatly refuses, knowing that they'll eat everything by the time he gets back. Somehow, after about two hours, the turtles manage to convince Poncho to go ,swearing on their great-grand turtles' graves that they won't touch the food. So, Poncho sets off down the road, slow and steadily. Twenty days pass, but no Poncho. Joe and Steve are hungry and puzzled, but a promise is a promise. Another day passes, and still no Poncho, but a promise is a promise. After three more days pass without Poncho in sight, Steve starts getting restless. 'I NEED FOOD!' he says with a hint of dementia in his voice. 'NO!' Joe retorts. 'We promised.' Five more days pass. Joe realizes that Poncho probably skipped out to the Burger King down the road, so the two turtles weakly lift the lid ,get a sandwich, and open their mouths to eat. But then, right at that instant, Poncho pops out behind a rock, and says, "Just for that, I'm not going."
Blonde Witness
A blonde was summoned to court to appear as a witness in a lawsuit. The prosecutor opened his questioning with, "Where were you the night of August 24th?" "Objection!" said the defense attorney. "Irrelevant!" "Oh, that's okay," said the blonde from the witness stand. "I don't mind answering the question." "I object!" the defense said again. "No, really," said the blonde. "I'll answer." The judge ruled: "If the witness insists on answering, there is no reason for the defense to object." So the prosecutor repeated the question: "Where were you the night of August 24th?" The blonde replied brightly, "I don't know."
Blair's Clock
A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked:
"What are all those clocks?"
St. Peter answered:
"Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock will move."
"Oh," said the man, "whose clock is that?"
"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie."
"Incredible," said the man. "And whose clock is that one?"
St. Peter responded:
"That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life."
"Where's Tony Blair's clock?" asked the man.
"Blair's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."
When God Created Canada
On the sixth day God turned to the angel Gabriel and said "Today I am going to create a land called Canada.
It will be a land of outstanding natural beauty - it shall have tall majestic mountains full of mountain goats and eagles, and beautiful sparkly lakes bountiful with carp and trout. There shall be forests full of elk and moose, high cliffs overlooking sandy beaches with an abundance of sea life, and rivers stocked with salmon."
God continued, "I shall make the land rich in oil so to make the inhabitants prosper, I shall call these inhabitants Canadians, they shall be known as the most friendly people on the earth."
"But Lord," asked Gabriel, "don't you think you are being too generous to these Canadians?"
"No, not really." God replied... "Just wait and see the neighbours I am going to give them!"
A Ferrari for forgetting?
A wealthy businessman forgets his wife's anniversary and boy, she is mad!
"You'd better make up for that this time!" she says, and seeing her chance to gain from it she adds "In fact, tomorrow morning, there better be something sitting out on that driveway that goes from nought to 200 like a rocket! AND it better not be second hand!"
He's now in hospital in a critical condition
Next morning she went out, there was a small package on the driveway - when she opened it she found herself holding a set of brand new bathroom scales!
Three of the best
Q: What’s the difference is between a Jewish mother and an
Italian one?
A: An Italian mother says “Eat your dinner or I’ll kill you.”
A Jewish mother says “Eat your dinner or I’ll kill myself.”
From the Mother's Dictionary:
Bottle-feeding: An opportunity for Daddy to get up at 2 am.
Family planning: The art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster
Full name: What you call your child when you're mad at him.
Grandparents: The people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right.
Independent: How we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.
Show off: A child who is more talented than yours.
Puddle: A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.
And finally:
Don't tell mother:
After years of hard work, Joe took his first vacation on a luxury cruise ship. In a deck chair, he recognized a former high school classmate, a long-lost friend from his old hometown.
He crossed the deck, seized the fellow's hand and said: "Hello, Pete. I haven't seen you in years. What are you doing these days?"
"I'm practicing law," whispered Pete. "But don't tell mother. She thinks I'm still a pimp."
Funny Answering Machine Messages 01
- My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll leave your name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished.
GEORGE BUSH GOES TO HELL
One day in the future, George Bush has a heart attack and dies. He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him.
"I don't know what to do," says the devil. "You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got some folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place.
I'll even let YOU decide who leaves." Bush thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the first room.
In it was Ronald Reagan and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty handed. Over and over and over. Such was his fate in hell. "No, George said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and I don't think I could do that all day long."
The devil led him to the next room. In it was Richard Nixon with a sledge hammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time. "No, I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day," commented George.
The devil opened a third door. In it, Bush saw Bill Clinton, lying on the floor with his arms staked over his head, and his legs staked in a spread eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best. Bush took this in disbelief and finally said, "Yea, I can handle this." The devil smiled and said "OK, Monica, you're free to go."
Thank you, I'm here all day!!
BUSH A POST TURTLE
A country doctor is suturing a laceration on the hand of an old farmer.
Old man: "All you need to know about politics is that young George Bush is a post turtle."
Doctor: "Oh? What is a post turtle?"
Old man: "When yer driving down a country road, and ya come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top? That's a post turtle. Ya know he didn't get there by himself, he don't belong there, he cain't get anything done while he's up there, and you just want to help take the poor thang down."
How they manage the news
A guy walks in and asks the bartender, "Isn't that Bush and Powell sitting over there?" The bartender says, "Yep, that's them." So the guy walks over and says, "Wow, this is a real honor. What are you guys doing in here?"
Bush says, "We're planning WWIII. And the guy says, "Really? What's going to happen?"
Bush says, "Well, we're going to kill 140 million Iraqis this time and one bicycle repairman."
The guy exclaimed, "A bicycle repairman!!! Why kill a bicycle repairman?"
Bush turns to Powell, punches him on the shoulder and says, "See, dummy! I told you no one would worry about the 140 million Iraqis!"
Extracts from a cat's diary
I got this through email some time ago and liked it - because I am allergic to these creatures and have always mistrusted them!
The following seems to ring too true!
DAY 752 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.
DAY 761 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair...must try this on their bed.
DAY 762 - Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors with sleep depriving, incessant pleas for food at ungodly hours of the night.
DAY 765 - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was...Hmmm. Not working according to plan ......
DAY 768 - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called "shampoo." What sick minds could invent such a liquid. My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth.
DAY 771 - There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call "beer." More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.
DAY 774 - I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The Bird on the other hand has got to be an informant. He has mastered their frightful tongue (something akin to mole speak) and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured. But I can wait. It is only a matter of time...
The American Soldier
An American soldier, serving in World War II, had just returned from several weeks of intense action on the German front lines. He had finally been granted R&R and was on a train bound for London.
The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat. The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged lady and was being used by her little dog.
The war weary soldier asked, "Please, ma'am, may I sit in that seat?"
The English woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed and said, "You Americans. You are such a rude class of people. Can't you see my Little Fifi is using that seat?"
The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another'' trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog.
Again he asked, "Please, lady. May I sit there? I'm very tired."
The English woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, "You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant. Imagine!"
The soldier didn't say anything else; he leaned over, picked up the little dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat.
The woman shrieked and railed, and demanded that someone defend her and chastise the soldier.
An English gentleman sitting across the aisle spoke up,
"You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your 'automobiles' on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out the window."
Most powerful vacuum cleaner
A vacuum cleaner salesman turns up at a cottage and raps on the door. The lady of the house answers.
"Ma'am, I am here to demonstrate the wonders of what is probably the most powerful vacuum cleaner in the world." he announces, and taking advantage of her hesitancy he lets himself in with said machine.
"Now," he commands with infectious enthusiasm, "prepare to be amazed."
He takes out a sack of horse shit and throws it all over the new carpet she has had just had fitted, and then proceeds to take another sack of said organic waste and tips it onto her spanking new sofa.
"Upset? Fear not!" and he plugs the vacuum cleaner into the wall."Now, when I depress the switch, this cleaner will clean that lot up to your entire satisfaction - otherwise, I'll eat all that horse shit!"
He presses the switch. Silence, a very long silence.
"You want ketchup with that?" says the angry woman, "We just moved in and the electricity isn't connected yet!"
The Paper Shredder
The MD of this firm I worked in was not particularly bright, rarely came down from his eagle's nest and was a bit of a recluse.
He did grace us with his majesterial buffoon-ness one day.
Our office junior was standing next to the paper shredder when the MD came in, in a bit of a rush.
"Do you know how to work that thing?" he asked the junior
"Sure." says the junior.
The MD handed him a very thick report - well, this needs to go into it - it's highly confidential, so don't think of even looking at it."
This proved difficult but he managed to feed it into the machine. As it silently shredded the document deep within it's mechanical bowels our MD nodded with satisfaction. After a while he looks puzzled. We all tried hard not to laugh when he enquired of the junior,
"Okay, so where does the copy come out?"
Breathe In Breathe Out
There was a blonde that went to the hair salon with headphones. Before the barber started cutting her hair she told him "Make sure not to knock the headphones off my head". So the barber was sure not to. The next time, the blonde said the same thing "Do not knock the headphones off my head". The barber again, did what he was told. The third time she went, she told the barber again "Don't knock the headphones off my head", this time though, the barber accidentally knocked them off. As soon as the headphones fell off, the blonde dropped to the floor unconcious. The barber picked up the headphones and listened, and this is what it said "Breathe in, breathe out, breathe in, breathe out...."
ATM procedure
National Australia Bank have recently announced the arrival of the new 'Drive-Through' cash-point machine, users will be able to withdraw cash without having to leave their vehicle. To enable users to be utilise this new facility, the following procedures have been drawn up.
Management have recognised the necessity for variations in instructions as follows:
Male Procedure:
1. Drive up to cash machine
2. Wind down window
3. Insert card and enter PIN
4. Enter amount of cash to withdraw
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt
6. Wind up window
7. Drive off
Female Procedure:
1. Drive up to cash machine
2. Reverse back 1 metre to align window to machine
3. Stall engine
4. Wind down window
5. Enter handbag and remove make-up bag and locate card
6. Check make-up in rear view mirror
7. Attempt to insert card into machine
8. Open door to allow easier access to machine, due to distance from car
9. Insert card
10. Re-enter handbag to find cigarette packet with PIN number written on inside
12. Enter incorrect PIN, press cancel and re-enter PIN
13. Enter amount of cash to withdraw
14. Check make-up and hair in rear view mirror
15. Retrieve cash and receipt
16. Locate purse and place cash inside
17. Locate cheque book to file receipt
18. Check make-up again
19. Start Car
20. Drive forward for 2 metres
21. Reverse back to cash machine
22. Retrieve card
23. Locate card holder in purse and enter card into slot
24. Recheck make-up
25. Drive for 3 kilometres
26. Release hand-brake
Pharmacist
A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms. The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants. "Well", he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's THE night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out. Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give me the 12 pack". The young man makes his purchase and leaves. Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He asks if he might give the blessing, and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes. The girl leans over and says, "You never told me that you were such a religious person". He leans over to her and says, "You never told me that your father is a pharmacist".
Adopted Turtle
Deep within a forest a little turtle began to climb a tree. After hours of effort he reached the top, jumped into the air waving his front legs and crashed to the ground. After recovering, he slowly climbed the tree again, jumped, and fell to the ground. The turtle tried again and again while a couple of birds sitting on a branch watched his sad efforts. Finally, the female bird turned to her mate. "Dear," she chirped, "I think it's time to tell him he's adopted."
Bad Drivers
A man is driving on the highway when his wife calls him on his cell phone. "Honey, be careful. I heard on the news that there is a car on the road driving the wrong way." To this the man replies, "One? Theres millions of 'em!"
Romance at the barbers...
A man is in the barbers and whilst the barber attends to him a very pretty assistant asks if he'd like a manicure at the same time.
"Oh," he says, "I wouldn't normally bother, but, er, yes, please do!"
He finds her captivating so he says,
"Will you go on a date with me tonight?"
She blushes deep red and says she can't as she's married.
"Ah, tell the loser you're going out with a girl friend." he suggests.
"Tell him yourself," she said sweetly, "HE'S SHAVING YOU!"
Budlight beer - how much? (commercial)
Budlight beer - how much ? (commercial) - kewego
In a bar, a man asks his friend to help hom to chat up a woman. He repeats all what the guy says. But when he asks her “How much ?” as if she were a prostitute... She punches him !
In a bar, a man asks his friend to help hom to chat up a woman. He repeats all what the guy says. But when he asks her “How much ?” as if she were a prostitute... She punches him !
Keywords: budlight beer commercial tv bar black woman man advertisement how much chat up repeat prostitute kick punch
The billionaires daughter
A rather eccentric billionaire had a very weird hobby, he had loved alligators ever since he was boy, so now that he had the money, he built a huge pool and had it filled with the creatures.
His daughter grew up and she was very beautiful. The old eccentric threw a huge party for all the eligible bachelors of the area to come to.
"I grew up tough," he told them as he brought them all to assembly by the pool of alligators,"and I want my daughter to have a husband who will be like me, fearless, willing to strike out, ready for anything. Nothing less will do for my daughter, so, whatever one of you can get in that pool, and swim through those alligators to the other side, he will win not only her hand in marriage but will inherit my billion pound business."
Suddenly there is a splash and everyone rushed forward to see a chap swimming for all his might through the raging alligators.
He emerges from the pool to great cheers and, with his best tux torn to shreds, blood mingling with the pools of water at his feet he stands breathing hard and looking every inch the warrior the billionaire wants for his daughter.
"My son-in-law to be has been found!" the billionaire shouts and rushes round the pool towards him followed by everyone else.
"Put it there!" he says to the young man and grasps his hand, "you will have my daughter, you will have my businesses, you will have all of my wealth!"
"Listen, I don't want your daughter, I don't want your businesses, I don't want your wealth. ALL I WANT IS THE B****** WHO THREW ME IN!"
Christmas Present For the Wife
A man is talking to his friend in the pub and is quite amazed when the old skinflint of a friend described the Christmas present he'd bought for his wife.
"It's a lovely gold necklace, with little rubies and diamonds all over it. She'll be thrilled with it."
"Good grief! That's extravagant! Mind you, didn't you tell me she actually wanted a new 4x4?" the amazed friend replied.
"Yes she did, but where the hell could I find a fake Jeep?"
The Snail
A guy is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can.
Three years later, there’s a knock on the door. He opens it and sees the same snail. The snail says ‘What the hell was that all about?"
Funny management lesson
The boy rode on the donkey and the old man walked.
As they went along, they passed some people who remarked "it was a
shame the old man was walking and the boy was riding".
The man and boy thought maybe the critics were right, so they
changed positions.
Later, they passed some people that remarked, "What a shame, he
makes that little boy walk."
They decide d they both would walk!
Soon they passed some more people who thought they were stupid to
walk when they had a decent donkey to ride.
So the both rode the donkey! Now they passed some people that shamed
them by saying "how awful to put such a load on a poor donkey".
The boy and man said they were probably right so they decided to
carry the donkey.
As they crossed a bridge, they lost their grip on the animal and he
fell into the river and drowned.
Management Learning:
If you try to please everyone, you will eventually lose your ass
The art of seduction?
A man has this wife who really has let herself go, and frankly, he's gone off the boil.
The woman is very upset that he never appraoches her for anything more than a cup of tea or to mend his sweaty socks so she calls up a friend for advice.
Her friend is a true friend indeed, and tells the woman that she has turned into something of a slattern.
"You don't dress up, or look after yourself like you used to," she explains, "and no wonder Charlie isn't interested any more."
"So what can I do?" wails the wife and her friend gives her some ideas.
Charlie comes in that afternoon and she is all dolled up to the nines, a whip lies on the sofa, and she is dressed in a skimpy negligee. In her hand are some handcuffs.
"Tie me up darling, and then do whatever you want!" she invites him.
So, he ties her up....
And goes fishing.
A Very Memorable Birthday
"So why did you fire your secretary, Janet?" one businessman asked of another.
"Well, it was like this. When I woke up that morning it was my fiftieth birthday. I expected to go downstairs and have a little present waiting on me from my wife and kids and my favourite breakfast waiting for me. Nothing. My wife didn't even say Happy Birthday.
"In a mood at this I just took off, grumbling to myself as I drove that wasn't that just typical of family. If i had forgot HER birthday!
"I get to the office and Janet says, "Happy Brithday, sir!" and I thought, well, at least SHE remembered.
"At noon Janet says 'You know, sir, it's a lovely day and with it being your birthday, what would you say if I asked you to lunch with me?'
"Well, I am fair taken with the idea. We go somewhere quiet so we are alone, and truth to tell, it was most pleasant being in the company of such a lovely girl. The meal is pleasant too, and Janet suggests a martini.
"So we have one or two martinis, then I suggest a brandy for me and a snowball for her. She seems a bit reluctant but does so. I think it was at this point I started behaving a little silly. I complained that I had the most selfish wife in the world and dear Janet said I was not to talk about my good lady in such a way. I said that's very honourable, but she must know I am telling the truth.
"She then says, 'Look, why don't you and I go to my place?' Well! I was so taken aback I didn't know what to say. This beautiful creature wanting to take me, this middle aged man curmudgeon to her place? I reckoned she felt sorry for me. Well, hang it, I was sorry for me too. I said of course!
"We got a taxi and went to her apartment. She led me gently into the lounge where she prepared some more drinks and she started to giggle. "I bet you thought today would never turn out to be a good one. But I promise you a birthday you'll never forget. Now, I need to go and, well, get something very special for you!" And she flounced off
"My excitement rose and rose. Ten minutes went by and she came back in the room with a giant birthday cake, my wife and all my children.
"And I was sitting there wearing nothing but my socks!"
Homer Simpson faces lie detecting machine
Homer Simpson faces lie detecting machine - kewego
A hilarious and explosive short cartoon in which The Simpsons' character Homer Simpson is subjected to a lie detector test. Do not miss it!
A hilarious and explosive short cartoon in which The Simpsons' character Homer Simpson is subjected to a lie detector test. Do not miss it!
Video from brittanybelle
Birthday Gift
A young man wished to purchase a present for his sweetheart and after
careful consideration, he decided to buy her a pair of gloves. Accompanied
by his sister, he went to a women's wear shop and bought a pair of expensive
gloves. Meanwhile, his sister bought a pair of panties. In the delivery, the
packages got mixed up; his sister got the gloves and he got the panties.
Without checking the contents of the package, he sent it to his sweetheart
with the following note:
Dearest One,
This little gift is to show you I have not forgotten your birthday. I
chose them because I noticed you were not in the habit of wearing any
when you went out in the evenings. If it hadn't been for my sister, who
was with me when I bought them, I would have picked out long ones with
buttons, but she said the latest style is to wear them unbuttoned, and
hanging down. I had her try them on for me and she looked very smart in
them. How I wish I could put them on for you the first time, but no doubt
many other hands will touch them before I have a chance. I did not know
what size to get, yet I should be capable of judging better than anyone
else. When you take them off, blow in them as they will be a little damp
from wearing them. Be sure to keep them on while cleaning them; otherwise
they will shrink.
With my fondest love,
P.S. Just think of the number of times I will kiss the back of them in the
coming year.
Wrong side of the bed...
The Mother Superior is striding through the corridors of the convent when one of the nuns on passing her said, "I see you got out of the wrong side of the bed this morning, Mother Superior."
Puzzled at this she walks on, when another nun says, "Morning Mother Superior, I see you got out of the wrong side of the bed this morning."
Every nun she passes says this to her and eventually she snaps, "Sister! Will you please explain why you and everyone else think there's a problem with me. Everyone's telling me I got out of the wrong side of the bed this morning. Why?"
"Because Mother Superior, " said the nun, "You're wearing Father Murphy's boots!"
Better Credit!
A guy is talking to his friend about credit cards.
"I had mine stolen two months ago." says one.
"Stolen? Oh God, how terrible!" says his concerned friend, "Have you told the police?"
"Nope."
"Why for heaven's sake?" says his friend agahast
"Well," the other guy says," my last two statements show me he's spending less than my wife did!"
Blonde...
Blond... - kewego
Everybody knows that blond girls are not the smartest... Here is another example... Really funny... !!!! :)
Everybody knows that blond girls are not the smartest... Here is another example... Really funny... !!!! :)
The Bathtub Test!
It doesn't hurt to take a hard look at yourself from time to time, and this should help get you started.
During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.
Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bath tub, and then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."
Oh, I understand," said the visitor... "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.
No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"
beer or Jennifer Aniston?
Won't do that again!
There was a school where the headmaster had a particular problem. You see the little girls had all taken to wearing lipstick, which wasn't the problem really, but what they did with it.
They would go into the bathroom and pretty themselves up with it, then, giggling, press their lips onto the mirrors and leave hundreds of these imprints on the glass. Every morning the janitor had to scrub it all off and it was becoming a real time waster.
The headmaster thinks on it then calls the little girls to assemble in the bathroom one morning. He explains how difficult it can be to clean these mirrors every day and asks the janitor to illustrate how.
On prior instructions, the janitor dips his mop into one of the toilet bowls and swipes along the mirror with it.
Amazingly the problem with lipstick and mirrors never materialised again!
Found disk
In case you aren't familiar with the way in which floppy disks work, they don't work, ever again, if they come in contact with a magnet
What the husband meant to say was...
A man and his wife decide to spend some time together doing the things they normally do on their own. So the wife helps with a spot of gardening, and they spend an enjoyable week pottering around and she is quite impressed with her man's knowledge.
The next week it is his turn to share the tasks of cooking. Unfortunately, this coincides with her less than good week, if you follow my drift.
Everything goes quite well, until the husband remarks that he thinks two spoons of salt are better than just the one she puts in the potatoes.
"I only ever use one dear," his wife says. He says, "Well, I think you not might be quite right on that one, my love."
"Not quite right?" she turns on him, "Oh I know what you mean, you mean I am COMPLETELY not right. You mean I am wrong! Not only am I WRONG, I am a liar, I tell such huge lies I am hardly fit to be human. In fact I am not even speaking like a human, I am BARKING! Just like a dog in fact! Like a 'not quite right' dog!" She quick dials the phone, "MOTHER! Roger's just called me an insane bitch!"
Secret of Successful Marriage
There was once a man and woman who had been married for more than 60 years.They had shared everything. They had talked about everything. They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little old woman had a shoebox in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about.
For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day the little old lady got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover. In trying to sort out their affairs, the old man took down the shoebox and took it to his wife's bedside. She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box.
When he opened it, he found two crocheted doilies, and a stack of money totaling $25,000. He asked her about the contents. "When we were to be married," she said, "my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doily."
The old man was so moved, he had to fight back tears. Only two precious doilies were in the box. She had only been angry with him two times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with happiness.
"Honey," he said, "that explains the doilies, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?"
"Oh," she said, "that's the money I made from selling the doilies."
Slip slidin' away...
A man and a woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant. Their waitress,
taking another order at a table a few steps away, suddenly noticed the man was
slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, but the woman acted
unconcerned.
The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight
under the table.
Still, the woman appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that her dining
companion had disappeared.
The waitress went over to the table and said to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am,
but I think your husband just slid under the table."
The woman calmly looked up at her and said, "No, he didn't. My husband...just
walked in the door."
Dear John
Dear John
Ever since I walked out on you I have been going through such agonies it is hard to see the paper on what I write as my eyes fill with hot burning tears of despair.
Yes, you did have an affair with that girl, but then, you were clearly blind drunk, probably so drunk, as you claimed at the time, that you cannot remember anything, in fact it is now crossing my mind that you may actually have thought you were making love to me?
And I was wrong to call you all those things. You were always a splendid lover in bed, despite those cruel things I said about your manhood. Nobody could come close to you physically.
Emotionally, you were always so sensitive, but firm of purpose. Indeed, how I could even have thought of walking out on you is driving me crazy. Maybe you were right when you said I was being neurotic. I am already making plans to see a shrink as you suggested.
Please, my darling, my love, please let me come back home and share what will be a wonderful, happy and fulfilled life.
Your ever loving girlfriend,
Tracy
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
PS - Well done on the lotto win!
How to chat up girls!
How to chat up girls! - kewego
A man is dancing on a balcony in order to chat up the girls who are in an other building. Everything is fine until he bangs himself on the French windows!!!
A man is dancing on a balcony in order to chat up the girls who are in an other building. Everything is fine until he bangs himself on the French windows!!!
Video from cityhunter
Why is choosing your domain name so important?
I mean to say most people interpret domain names in common sense and they don't follow what you lead them to. In order to prove that I am right, please look at the following unfortunate names:
1) Who Represents?, a database for agencies to the rich and famous:
http://www.whorepresents.com
2) Experts Exchange, a knowledge base where programmers can exchange advice and views:
http://www.expertsexchange.com
3) Looking for a pen? Look no further than Pen Island:
http://www.penisland.net
4) Need a therapist?
http://www.therapistfinder.com
5) Mole Station Native Nursery, based in New South Wales:
http://www.molestationnursery.com
6) New to Milan and you need electric light? Why not sign up on-line with Power-Gen?
http://www.powergenitalia.com
bush bumper stickers
Newest Bush Bumper Stickers:
(On an infant's shirt): Already smarter than
Bush
1/20/09: End of an Error
That's OK, I Wasn't Using My Civil Liberties
Anyway If You Want a Nation Ruled By
Religion, Move to Iran You Can't Be Pro-War
And Pro-Life At The Same Time
World's shortest book-3 blank pages.
George W. Bush's Successful Business
Ventures
He emptied the treasury of Texas and the US, what next?
George Bush: Creating the Terrorists Our Kids Will Have to Fight
America : One Nation, Under Surveillance
Which God Do You Kill For?
Jail to the Chief!
No, Seriously, Why Did We Invade
Like Jesus Would Own a Gun and Vote Republican
We're Making Enemies Faster Than We Can Kill Them
Is It Vietnam Yet?
Bush Doesn't Care About White People, Either
Where Are We Going? And Why Are We In This Handbasket?
Frodo Failed. Bush Has the Ring.
The Republican Party: Our Bridge to the 11th Century
Life is a Gift....Unwrap it...
Dinner Invitation
"Honey," said this husband to his wife, " I invited a friend home for supper."
"What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I didn't go shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don't feel like cooking fancy meal!"
"I know all that."
"Then why did you invite a friend for supper?"
"Because the poor fool's thinking about getting married."
College Dorm
On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules:
"The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time."
He continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of $180. Are there any questions?"
At this point, a male student in the crowd inquired: "How much for a season pass?"
Confession is Good for the Soul
It was about a month ago when a Dutchman in Amsterdam felt that he needed to confess, so went to his priest.
"Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. During World War II, I hid a Jewish man in my attic."
"Well," answered the priest, "that's not a sin."
"But I made him agree to pay me 20 pieces for every week he stayed."
"I admit that wasn't good, but you did it for a good cause."
"Oh thank you Father; that eases my mind. Um, I have one more question..."
"What is that, my son?"
"Do I have to tell him the war is over?"
IT PAYS TO STUDY
After the college boy delivered the pizza to Bud's trailer house, Bud asked, "What is the usual tip?"
"Well," replied the youth, "this is my first trip here, but the other guys say if I get a quarter out of you, I'll be doing great."
"Is that so?" snorted Bud. "Well, just to show them how wrong they are, here's five dollars."
"Thanks," replied the youth, "I'll put this in my school fund."
"What are you studying?" asked Bud.
The lad smiled and said, "Applied psychology."
Which One To Marry?
There is a man who has three girlfriends, but he does not know which
one to marry. So he decides to give each one $5000 and see how each
of them spends it.
The first one goes out and gets a total makeover with the money. She
gets new clothes, a new hairdo, manicure, pedicure, the works, and
tells the man, "I spent the money so I could look pretty for you
because I love you so much."
The second one went out and bought new golf clubs, a CD player, a
television, and a stereo and gives them to the man. She says, "I
bought these gifts for you with the money because I love you so much."
The third one takes the $5000 and invests it in the stock market,
doubles her investment, returns the $5000 to the man and reinvests the
rest. She says, "I am investing the rest of the money for our future
because I love you so much."
The man thought long and hard about how each of the women spent the
money, and decided to marry the one with the biggest breasts.
THE STUDENT'S ANSWER
The student - not necessarily a well-prepared student - sat in his life science classroom staring at a question on the final exam paper. The question directed: "Give four advantages of breast milk."
What to write? He sighed, and began to scribble whatever came into his head, hoping for the best:
1. No need to boil.
2. Cats can't steal it.
3. Available whenever necessary.
Um. So far so good - maybe. But the exam demanded a four-part answer. Again, what to write?
Once more he sighed. He frowned. He scowled. Then sighed again. But suddenly, he brightened. He grabbed his pen, and triumphantly he scribbled his definitive answer:
4. Available in attractive containers.
SUBLIMINAL MESSAGE
Dear Dad,
$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can't think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.
Love,
Your $on
The Reply:
Dear Son,
I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.
Love,
Dad
GENEROUS STUDENTS
Two college students, Frank and Matt, are riding on a New York City subway when a beggar approaches them asking for spare change.
Frank adamantly rejects the man in disgust.
Matt, on the other hand, whips out his wallet, pulls out a couples of singles and gladly hands them over to the beggar with a smile.
The beggar thanks him kindly and then continues on to the other passengers.
Frank is outraged by his friend's act of generosity.
"What on earth did you do that for?" shouts Frank. "You know he's only going to use it on drugs or booze."
Matt replies, "And we weren't?"
The Priest
After the weekly mass the priest had locked the doors and was ready to go home. When he left the church he saw that all of the churchgoers were still lingering in front of the church.
"What's going on?" the priest asked the crowd. "Why are you still here?"
A man replied:"We were told that in a minute or so a naked lady on a horse will ride by!"
"Oh" said the priest, "then I will stay too: I haven't seen a horse in a long time."
Johnny at the Park
Little Johnny sees his Daddy's car passing the playground and going into the woods.
Curious, he follows the car and sees Daddy and Aunt Jane kissing.
Johnny finds this so exciting and can barely contain himself as he runs home and starts to tell his mother excitedly.
"MOMMY, MOMMY, I WAS AT THE PLAYGROUND AND DADDY AND...."
Mommy tells him to slow down, but that she wants to hear the story.
So Johnny tells her. "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went to look and Daddy was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt, then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane laid down on the seat, then Daddy...."
At this point, Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight."
At the dinner table, Mommy asks Johnny to tell his story.
He describes the car into the woods, the undressing, laying down on the seat, and, "Then Daddy and Aunt Jane did that same thing Mommy and Uncle Jeff used to do when Daddy was in the Army."
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