Desperate Housewives of Disney! :-)
X-ray glasses
Jon goes to the local novelty shop and finds a pair of x-ray glasses. He checks them out, and isn't fully convinced, but as usual, the store assistant comes along and closes the deal.
On his way home, Jon puts on his new x-ray glasses and, bingo! He sees everyone in the street naked. He takes them off for a moment, and everyone has their clothes on. Puts the glasses back on...everyone is naked! "Cool!"
As he arrives back home, he is eager to show his new toy to his wife, Judi, but can't find her. He goes up to the bedroom and finds his wife and the postman, naked in bed. He takes his glasses off, and the two are still naked. He puts them back on, and they are still naked.
Jon then says: "Damn, I just paid fifty bucks for these and they're already broken!"
George W. Bush
George W. Bush goes to a primary school to talk to the kids to get some good PR. After his talk he offers question time. One little boy puts up his hand and George asks him his name.
" Stanley," responds the little boy.
"And what is your question, Stanley ?"
"I have 4 questions: First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN? Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more votes? Third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden?" Fourth, why are we so worried about gay-marriage when ½ of all Americans don't have health insurance?
Just then, the bell rings for break.
George Bush informs the kiddies that they will continue after break. When they resume George says, "OK, where were we? Oh,that's right, It's question time. Who has a question?"
A different little boy puts up his hand. George points him out and asks him his name.
"Little Johnnie" he responds.
"And what is your question, Little Johnnie?"
"Actually Sir, I have 6 questions: First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN? Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more votes? Third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden? Fourth, why are we so worried about gay marriage when 1/2 of all Americans don't have health insurance? Fifth, why did the break bell go off 20 minutes early? And sixth, what happened to Stanley?"
The everlasting card!
Due to increasing age, forgetfulness, and my decreasing ability
to send cards on time here is my card to cover every Holiday..
Happy Everything!
to send cards on time here is my card to cover every Holiday..
Happy Everything!Opening A Checking Account
A guy walks into a bank and says to the teller at the window, “I want to open a f*ckin’ checking account”.
To which the lady replied, “I beg your pardon, what did you say?”
“Listen up dammit, I said I want to open a f*ckin’ checking account right now.”
“Sir, I’m sorry but we do not tolerate that kind of language in this bank!”
The teller left the window and went over to the bank manager and told him about her situation. They both returned and the manager asked, “What seems to be the problem here?”
“There’s no damn problem,” the man said, “I just won 50 million in the lottery and I want to open a f*ckin’ checking account in this damn bank!”
“I see sir,” the manager said, “and this b*tch is giving you a hard time?”
Six Legged Turkey
An industrious turkey farmer was always experimenting with breeding to perfect a better turkey. His family was fond of the leg portion for dinner and there were never enough legs for everyone. After many frustrating attempts, the farmer was relating the results of his efforts to his friends at the general store get together. 'Well I finally did it! I bred a turkey that has 6 legs!' They all asked the farmer how it tasted.
'I don't know, 'said the farmer, 'I never could catch it!'
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